as We Were Dreamers

Who am I?

2010-04-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

I miss my old old friends

Even though at those moments, I didnt appreciate much

But the fact that I never see one person that I cared so much about anymore

Breaks me into bits making me say to myself

What if I saved him

... But he could only save himself

But the others, where did they go too?

People take me the wrong way, but I know that is my fault

I think I am someone that I'm not, but I don't think I'm someone that I am.

So who am I?

I used to have that stabalized group of friends that reminded me of who I was

And who I was proud to be.

There was never that bottomless feeling of nothing

But now they've dispersed and, I dont even know how I will continue

And it frightens me knowing that it may stay this way

But every inch of hope in me hopes it won't.

Every day is a constant reminder of why I wish i could sleep in through the day

Because at least dreaming can put a smile on my face

2010-03-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

AAND... the big toss up.

Finally the sun came

2010-03-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

TODAY

is a day.

I feel as if I got the world in my hands.

It's one of those days that gets me through the bad ones

Because I know,

I sometimes,

every once in a while,

fall asleep with a smile on my face.

But i know the clock is ticking until all seems to fall

So I'm holding on to these moments as long as I possibly can.

I think it might just be the changing season

WELD ME BACK TO ONE

2010-02-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

I am breaking apart every single day

And the only way I could be fixed

is to be welded back together.

Crazy glue doesn't last too long on this skin.

Lately it's been me against the world

when every day I face another breaking news story.

Did you hear any of the words my breath struggled to tell you?

Or did you think i'd forgotten my own feelings?

Obviously, love is hard to erase

Out of all people, you should know.

But I guess you are free to call me out

on never really holding that love in my own hands

I just held it in that knotted muscle called a heart.

So if you wanna dance to his tune

Go right ahead

But when I lay under the night sky

and I see you dancing on the stars

it will bring me down below the ground

So I can be reminded once again

that me and my best friend are polar opposites.

She's the consistent winner

Im the consistent loser.

Dream upon mine.

2010-02-20T22:49:00.000-08:00

I sat there in the doorway. It was winter but the breeze felt good. Her cigarette smoke rudely blew in my face, but I didn't mind. This feeling brought me back to my grandfathers house on the lake. I used to visit him in the summer. We'd sit around the table and play cards. The screen door let the wind sift into the kitchen and pass through. My grandpa would be on his 10th cigarette. Inside i'd cry because children hate to see their grandfather's getting closer to death. It's been about 5 years since my grandfather died. I haven't been to his house on the lake ever since. But I will always keep the memories, the smells, everything with me forever. Oh, what i'd do to relive those days. And now, living in my own days. And everything around me seems so worthless. Getting closer to death isn't as big as a deal. "Everyone dies someday" They say. And I think in my mind- someday might just be too soon. But what's the point of living a longer life less-lived? You picture your dream- and then you remember you have to work hard to get there. And then realize- Working hard doesn't always do you good... because there's people like me who quit upon rejection. The girl with the cigarette laughs- "Hah! Rejection? You're only 18! You have many more years to live, where you'll realize there's more to life than this. You just got to wait for people to catch up to your maturity." "Wait?" i think. "Who wants to wait! Why not live now?" My life is on minimum repeat, and something must be done. How long can a person sit there and watch life pass by because its just "Not their time". But No one wants to listen. Because I was the chosen one to be the listener. No I can not communicate well on paper but I can speak and alter peoples minds with my words of wisdom, when they are vulnerable. So I sit there drinking my coffee, listening to someone's fascinating life, as I dream upon mine.

Work hard - get nothing.

2010-02-20T22:39:00.000-08:00

I need to be fixed.

Everyday a new reason comes around

to just chip another bit of me away.

I thought I'd be all patched up

But nothings ever as planned.

It's not a sick mind,

But my surroundings-

They keep me confined in this room

Reminding me I have this blank page so far.

Every mans nightmare.

to be a lonely failure.

Who wants to help me complete this list?

2010-02-09T19:43:00.001-08:00

Green = Seen it!

Avatar
Titanic
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
The Dark Knight
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Shrek 2
Jurassic Park
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Spider-Man 3
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Finding Nemo
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Spider-Man
Independence Day
Shrek the Third
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
The Lion King
Spider-Man 2
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
2012
The Da Vinci Code
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
The Matrix Reloaded
Up
Transformers
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Forrest Gump
The Sixth Sense
Ice Age: The Meltdown
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Kung Fu Panda
The Incredibles
Hancock
Ratatouille
The Lost World: Jurassic Park
The Passion of the Christ
Mamma Mia!
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
Casino Royale
War of the Worlds
Men in Black
Quantum of Solace
I Am Legend
Iron Man
Night at the Museum
Armageddon
King Kong (2005)
Mission: Impossible II
The Day After Tomorrow
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back
Madagascar
The Simpsons Movie
Monsters, Inc.
WALL·E
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Meet the Fockers
Ghost
Aladdin
Troy
Twister
Angels & Demons
Toy Story 2
Bruce Almighty
Shrek
Saving Private Ryan
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Home Alone
Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Jaws
The Matrix
Pretty Woman
Cars
The Hangover
X-Men: The Last Stand
Mission: Impossible
Gladiator
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
The Last Samurai
300
Ocean’s Eleven
Pearl Harbor
Tarzan
The Bourne Ultimatum
Men in Black II
Mrs. Doubtfire
The Exorcist

how i feel today.

2010-02-08T15:05:00.000-08:00

Right now I just want to run away to a forest. I want to get lost. I am so sick of my life here and every day I find no reason to wake. Every day is a constant let down of my hopefuls. I love life but I hate the fact its going no where. My life is on pause because there's just no reason to start anything new anymore... to some people that is. But I want new, I want fresh, I want something out of this routine. I want a reason to breathe and I want a reason to reach for my dreams. But everyone just seems impossible because they keep telling us, "Sorry... you wont be THAT person". Thank you self confidence for sticking to my side... not. There's no reason to be confident because anytime I'm up the next day I'm down because I was let down. My life would be just the same if i slept all day and dreamt about things that I wish would happen to me. I just want to fast forward until next year because i know nothings up for grabs in the near future. People really make me angry when one bad experience stops them from experiencing it ever again until something better comes along.

Fester

2009-12-23T23:06:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Eve.

If only it was merry.

If only I could fill this hole.

It's getting deeper and deeper every day

and I just want it to go away

but I know there's only one thing that could fix it.

Something that I've always wanted

but can never have.

Not even a christmas wish can grant me this.

So when you ask me "What's wrong?"

I'm not lying when I say I'm tired.

Because I am tired

Tired of this way I have to go through the day

Empty spaces inside.

Rest In Peace Bobby Green.

2009-12-14T22:17:00.000-08:00

This is so hard. I don't know what to do with myself. I miss you so much. My mind keeps running with my memory of you. It's as if you are still here.

I love you so much Mr. Green. You have been the light of my life which lead me in the direction toward my passion. You taught me so much about life through music. I think i learned to live my life the way i do because of you. It hurts so much to know that you are not with us anymore. You were such a great friend, a mentor, and a genius. It is too unfair that you left us at such a young age. It makes me angry to think that choir will never be the same. I remember all those "Choir council meetings" that i went to. They were so much fun. Even though you bribed us to come with pizza. And i remember the silly games you made for us so we could all get to know each other more. Especially smugie or smoogi or whatever its called. The best game I have ever played. You were an angel in my life who inspired so many of my desires for my future. I remember all of the choir picnics and how excited you got for every little thing. I remember the time when we were talking about the meaning of the song we were singing in class and you accidentally made a dead grandma joke in front of a girl in our class who recently lost her grandma. I think about how terrible that was at the time and i look back and laugh. And i don't know why. I guess its because i remember how bad you felt afterwards. I remember when you always came to me to think of ideas for fun classroom stuff such as choir parties. I remember going to a holiday choir party, and only 7 people showed up, and you showed up, and we just played your favorite game- charades. And then when we played charades in the dunes... you gave drew song lyrics and he had to act out all of those tiny words and you really got a kick out of it. And then Jimmy had inglorious bastards. And i remember watching that video of you in high school singing with your a capella group. And then the video of you at a UofI game, and the camera zoomed on you while you were screaming "WERE NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONNNNEEE" ... you would have a mullet. And then i remember when you fell at the dunes. I was so scared. And i sat at the picnic table with you while you tried to comprehend what just happened. You had sand all over your face and i used my towel to brush it off. While we sat there for the ambulance to come, you seemed embarrassed, but i was thankful that I was able to sit there with you. Because while I sat there with you, I knew that this year was not going to end up ok. And i wish i could turn back time so i could spend that ten minutes sitting with you again. And then i remember the last time I felt as if i said goodbye. After we sang The Awakening at last years senior rec concert, i was crying, because it was such a beautiful song. While you were kicking everyone off the stage to go drink choir punch in the cafeteria, i looked at you and gave you a huge hug and said "thank you for everything". I look back at that moment that sticks in my mind every day, because i think that was the one and only time i will ever say goodbye. It hurts me so much to know that i wont be able to make it to your memorial service. And it makes me angry to know that you wont be here with us as we carol this year. You were so great Mr. Green. And its going to be really hard for me to let go. You were the one teacher who treated everyone as an individual. And you let everyone know that they were special in some way. I feel as if i don't belong in the top choir at fremd, but i think you put me there for a reason. Because you believed in me, even though i wasn't the typical amazing choir singer. I will find that reason for you. And I promise that. But I thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to move forth. As i sit here and reflect upon my past four years with you, I realize that i was so blessed to have an angel such as you to have touched my life. I cant even find the right words to write. So i pray, that you are looking down on us from heaven and someday i'll be able to sing in your choir once again. I will try to grasp on to all of my experiences with you for my future, because if i do, i know i will be successful. You will live in me every day. Let music never die in me. Forever let my spirit sing, where all our voices join as one to praise the giver of the song. Awake awake. Let music live. let music live.

Let Music Live.

2009-12-09T19:08:00.000-08:00

Days like today where everything is going wrong

And you just want to go home

But when you go home it's just nothing better.

And Its never just one thing at a time...

Life can mostly be stably alright

And then suddenly all at once

The magnet of all problems turns itself on.

Everything is going wrong.

I only wish there was a solution to make me feel better

But there is no golden answer

To cure all this sadness.

Tell me something good, please.

Dear Santa...

2009-12-07T14:10:00.001-08:00

The Snakes & Suits Ampersand Blue Hoodie is SO cute and I need a new hoodie for this cold weather. Size wise- I'd like a medium or large. Cozy... mmm

The Muk Luks Women's Lace Back Boots are a favorite of mine because they are so cute and look really warm! and they are black and white so it can match a majority of my outfits. And these are affordable!

The Zuiko Digital ED 12-60mm lens for my Olympus camera. I would be a happy camper with this, because it would enhance my photography :)

This Crosley Archiver record player has built in speakers, and also has a CD player AND a casette player. AND a radio. This is expensive but its for a good cause!

******** I want these Minnetonka Fringe Boots desperately... they are muy expensive too. :( BUT IF I GOT THEM, I REALLY WOULD WEAR THEM EVERY DAY!

More to come

Soon you will be mine

2009-12-07T14:07:00.000-08:00

Be Prepared to rock around the christmas tree with this baby!

Drifting to Dream

2009-12-06T00:04:00.000-08:00

And when I dream

I wont wake up

I need to see how this ends

Cause sometimes life is a little bit

Harder

To perfectly mend

But when I'm awake

I trust I can

Take your hand

And see it clearly

This life was meant to be

Pace

2009-12-05T23:01:00.001-08:00

I wonder if the world can run on a slow pace

because its risky taking the big leap

from imagination to reality.

The biggest dilemma of our lives.

Susannah

2009-12-02T20:12:00.000-08:00

Why is it that this year, so much has happened? 2009 was an unforgettable year. which makes me scared for what's yet to come within this last month.

To Susannah Kist-

I am praying for you. You were such a great woman. It is incredible how much I look back on all the classes I took from you, and how it helped form me transform into being the person I am today. The first biggest lesson I ever learned for the stage was from you. And I will never forget it. The way you taught, showed me that theatre is fun and all about what YOU as an actor put into it. Just look at how many stars you have trained! And your sweet and caring personality was just the most inspiring trait to learn from. I will never forget your smile and the way you loved all. Thank you for all you have done. God will keep you safe in his arms.

the obstacle of my life.

2009-12-01T20:31:00.001-08:00

I'm scared because I've never been in love before.

All these years i've been holding back so heartbreak couldn't potentially be the death of me,

as it once was before.

But through all these years, you have been in the corner of my mind tangled up in the cobwebs along with memories that have been forgotten since their day.

And now I'm left with a wide open door

I am free to take chances

but I can't tell which side the light is shining through.

Is it worth the risk to walk on the other side?

because I'm too familiar with the mirages my mind has always made up.

And this is simply the obstacle of my life.

God, please take my hand and show me what I've been so scared to do.

2009-11-25T23:36:00.000-08:00

Me and Taylor Swift have great minds that think alike.

A few minutes ago I thought to myself, "Why cant you see that you belong with me."

Crazy right?

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesnt like
And she'll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Where were you?

2009-11-23T22:38:00.000-08:00

If I were to follow this advice

The truth is

I'd have no one.

No matter how much you think I'm dumb for having legit feelings

And no matter how many times you think your perfect

And that "you do nothing wrong at all"

I still have feelings. Your actions speak louder than words..

Well I guess thats the only way possible to put it

Since you decided not to give me words.

Sometime God can show you strange things

Such as seeing what you thought as your best friend

As your worst

And your worst friend

As your best

Done.

Lean on me

When your not strong

I'll be your friend

Someone to carry on

(Which is what i gave to you)

For, It wont be long

Till I'm gonna need

Somebody to lean on.

(Way to be there.)

I know you think I'm "OVERREACTING"

Because you think this happened just once

But I don't have as many fingers

to count all the times

Where I needed somebody to lean on.

Where were you?

2009-11-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

I wonder how differently i would look if tried and worked out to look like a supermodel..... New goal possibly? :D

Since I have no life now, and I got a new membership to the gym.. all I need is a car and then I believe it's possible.

And my prize would be the look on your face.

2009-11-09T19:24:00.000-08:00

After a million rejections in one lifetime

Then you start to really begin to feel worthless

Especially if it's a rejection of your passion.

And pretty much the only thing you think your good at.

And building up a good reputation was just a waste.

Life Support.

2009-11-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

It's just another hour

It's just another day

It's just another weekend

Where I waste my life away

It's my longest hour

It's my toughest day

And it's just this weekend

Where all I do is pray

Pray that your gonna be okay

You stopped my lifeless breath

and turned it into a true emotion

The pain that wants to turn back this clock

Just so I could've sifted my words into your life

I am living to know that you will be here another day

My eyes are open to every subtle shift

Help me grasp this life which left long ago

Because suddenly time turned into nothing but a word

Time turned into empty space

And I suddenly saw us sitting at our desks

Laughing from the good life.

Sitting in our closet club

Sitting in that hallway as you let those burdened unspoken words

Unleash from your lips

And I felt God bring our hands together

So we could share our dreams and share our lives

Because we shared past pain

That would always leave that scar

I was your band-aid and you were my crutch

And in that one simple moment.

In those simple hours

In those simple days

You saw yourself as beautiful.

I'm praying for you Matti

When Heaven's Light Shines...

2009-10-22T21:27:00.000-07:00

It's times like these

Where I truly look over my 18 years of life.

Conversations are taken for granted.

It is so important to keep in contact with the ones you love

Because you never know

One day

The world can randomly take a wide turn.

Sometimes there are distractions

And sometimes there are fights

But in the end none of that is worth it

Because the love you have for someone

Or even the love you once had for someone

Will always remain within you.

Even if you just met them twice

Or even if your relationship went separate ways

The impact of a young life leaving so early

The impact of a loved one leaving too early

Turns into a tree of thoughts

It makes me look at the world through renewed eyes

Rest in peace Liza Whitacre. I met you just twice, and both times I can distinctively remember the smile you had on your face. Especially at the cast party Lauren had for musical during Thoroughly Modern Millie. I remember going to Lauren the next day and telling her about how pretty and nice I thought you were. For some reason, your presence was strong and rememberable, and I will never forget it.

It's called Hypocrisy.

2009-10-20T18:48:00.000-07:00

If you could see this through my eyes

You would definitely agree...

As a matter of fact-- You did see it through your eyes

A short while back

And you took the same path

Except, my story was a little more sympathetic.

Yours was just pathetic.

It's not about the end

It's not all about me --

But maybe if your reflection shows

You can see who you've turned to be.

Sometimes I wish something could blow down your brick wall...

The stronger you seem to stand

The more it distances us.

I've really realized; To everyone I've always been just the crawl-back-to-friend when there is nothing for them to cling on to anymore... and I'm counting the days until it happens again. Its a ticking clock and I've memorized the script.

- I just thought you'd be the last person to take your bow.

So my answer is... Yes you are free to be who you want to be. But you better not expect me to be sitting at the park bench day in and day out and then miraculously be there when you decide to take your lunch break. If you even send a carrier pigeon once in a while, then That at least shows that you care just a little. And then life would be back in its place. I know your used to a crowd of fans, but thats not me anymore. Sometimes you have to give to get. So I'm stopping myself before my constant living nightmare happens again. You've heard me vent about all of my friends who have done the same thing to me... so what makes me want to stay to watch the show again? There is no stop sign to a change... so whenever you feel free to be that person you used to be... the whole titanic is waiting for you by the ticking clock in the lobby.

I'm Just a penny.

2009-10-17T23:36:00.000-07:00

Loosing a best friend;

It turns me inside out like a fever

And even when she's getting close

Not even one phone call

Not even one text

Im not the rock that I used to be.

I was dropped off from the tallest city scraper

Like a single unappreciated penny

And i fell with the rain.

Hey 2 4 6 8

I really do appreciate.

And I'm not a frickin cheerleader

Sometimes they need a little cheering up too.

But like always

Appreciation

Its just another one sided story.

My dues are up

And I'm no longer needed

There's the exit, and thank you for visiting.

I wonder what its like to be loved full time

Cause suddenly

The only person who matters is him.

It really is true that you forget the world around you.

Previously on lost

even he was an old friend.

Funny thing is

Through this windy situation

She was transformed as her own worst enemy.

Maybe thats why they were best friends in the first place.

Just another sad so long

2009-10-16T23:39:00.001-07:00

Every heart should be handled with care

Cause your palm will gage with scars

From every heart you've smashed with your bare hands.

Soon enough you wont be able to handle your past mistakes

And your mind will rage with regret from your bad reputation

So why continue to kill the only good part of life you have?

Sometimes people can't change.

No matter how much you believe.

11 thoughts

2009-10-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

1.) "Into The Wild" was a great movie.

2.) I hate the fact I'm witnessing a game being played.

3.) I always seem to hate who I've started.

4.) Money won't buy you happiness.

5.) I was invisible. Now your invisible.

6.) I'm starting to wonder which is better... Drama or the silent treatment?

(With drama, ends always meet. The silent treatment leads to a blank)

7.) What would happen if i lived outside with no technology and tried to survive?

8.) Why do I always waste my time trying to make friends with douche bags?

9.) The music scene is a scam. 3/4 of musician's are selfish.

10.) I hate the fact that I am the unlucky one of the bunch so everyone can use me as an example of why they appreciate love. Because it doesn't come easy.

and 11.) The funny thing is, you'd think this is about this one person, but behind these words is my real life and not the false thing that i wouldn't consider my life.

Dear Diary,

2009-09-29T18:25:00.001-07:00

I'm (silently) in love with a boy

Who's LOUDLY in love with a girl.

Just FYI

2009-09-28T22:40:00.000-07:00

I never put a period at the end of our sentence

Instead you put a dot dot dot and never finished your thoughts

You placed your pen down

And a new book looked much more interesting to read

So I sat and stared at the ticking clock...

While you read of adventures in a different genre

Of Superheroes and Villains

Of Adventures and Home

Of Love and Hate

And I don't wait for anyone, ever

... So your times up

And I placed my pen down

It was you who finished our story

It was you who put the period at the end of our sentence.

The End.

"Oh captain, my captain"

2009-09-24T21:24:00.000-07:00

Oh, how badly i want to do a band photo shoot of this exact frame...

If you haven't seen it, "Dead Poets Society" is a great movie.

It's all about poetry and Robin Williams does an amazing job at his role as Mr. Keating.

Also, I think it's funny that Red from "That 70's Show" is in it too.

CARPE DIEM

Leave your Ego At the door please.

2009-09-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

an open writing in process...

She's so Hott

She's so suave

Maybe she can hide

that she's a cheap shot

Oh no oh no

i gave her an ego

Ay yi yi

I must've screwed up her life

Uh oh wauh oh

I told her she was super

I was just being... nice?

I'll never lie again

That i'll never lie again

cause egos

are not my friend

They All Tell Me;

2009-09-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

And mama told me,

even if you sing your heart out

you still cant always win.

And the world told me,

It's about your final phrase

That choose the direction of your next step.

West east south and north

What is this even worth?

But its all about the passion

That keeps us moving for the life we can or can't take

Red or blue pill

The choice of my fate.

And maybe if I push this contagious smile

Then it can spread for miles.

I caught the sickness of an empty place inside

Once called a heart.

This thing that wants to beat again

And wants to be bundled up in blankets

around a blaze of passion.

Cause philosophy told me the point of losing is winning.

And one day, I'm gonna sing my heart out

And I'm maybe gonna win

And mama

Oh, she'll be proud.

The Mind Endeavors

2009-08-20T02:06:00.001-07:00

And maybe you'll never know

There's a life inside this mind.

I feel every step i take down the street

And i feel pain for the shoes that are too small.

Im a sucker for the luck i never win

But hey i still believe there's one day. someday.

and thats where i imagine things

thing that could never happen on no occasion of this night.

And you'll never even appreciate that i appreciate you

Some say that i'm breaking all time

But time is all i've got to waste

Because maybe the dream is pleasure to reach

When this mind gets going

it never ever stops

So caution to you

the unknown character

my mind's little secret...

Like a bat out of hell

You charge through more than anyone cares to know

if only you'd notice the kind of life thats inside this mind.

timf

2009-08-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

My 3:30 AM thoughts

2009-08-17T01:27:00.000-07:00

Honest lyrics are more than just words coming from the heart...

But Un-cliché words that you are not afraid to say.

Some weird phrase that comes up in your mind

Something that has never been said before.

The best part of believe is the lie

or would you rather hear a song that goes

i wanna feel you i wanna touch youuuuuuuuuu

i look at the sky and think of you.

But sometimes there are rediculous lyrics that are just plain stupid like

Kiss me through the phoooneee

and thats all the song sings. And then some sexual annoying sounds that are tracked repeatedly afterwards.

Honesty and originality is what makes a person stand out.

But when you are honestly trying to hard to be original where it shows your desperate..

its embarrassing.

Listening to musicians like

Regina Spektor

Fall Out Boy

Manchester orchestra

This is me smiling

Panic! at the disco...

I am starting to really like my variety of musicians i like.

Talent or Talentless... people work really hard on the music they make, and no matter what they throw passion at it... but i guess the successful ones are just the chosen ones who hit the nail on the head on peoples current day feelings towards their lives, that the lyrics and beats happen to make a connection with their current day lives.

now i don't even know what I'm typing out cause i am half asleep... but i had this conversation with some one earlier and i've been cursed with thinking on it all day.

To you.

2009-08-15T00:49:00.000-07:00

To you

Im just a number.

Im another face in the crowd.

A person you fake a friend

To be used for living needs.

Im just the extra conversation

On a Quiet lonely day

Im the dinner date

only for your empty stomach

You'd expect id felt the same

And To look up and see your presence

Is for the phrase to keep

The experience to live off of

The experience to keep the money flowing

Through the hands of my peers

Im the snooze button whenever your buisy

And to you,

Im a fan. not a friend.

To me

Your a talented individual

Your a memory that reminds me of my great past

An example of flaws that fall into my category as perfect

One who leads the right way of living

Yet went down the wrong path

A person i view as a good friend

One who holds a good conversation

After a crazy day of life

A pure example of the one who acts caring

But has better things to do then risk time for friendships

Your words can stop me in my tracks

Because what i give is care for a genuine pal

And to me,

You are a friend. Not a fan.

If only you knew

What I knew.

When does it start?

2009-08-13T00:42:00.000-07:00

It sort of breaks my heart that i've never been in love. I know I'm only in high school, but i just want to experience a high school sweetheart. People say that its not that big of a deal, but it is. To have a friend to hang out with, and you look forward to just simply watching a movie. Or just lying outside looking up at the stars. Everyone i know who is in love is just happy. So what am i missing out on? Curiosity kills and I'm ready to finally start living my life sometime. But i hate the wait. So then what do i do? keep my pace on sitting around waiting for something to happen? because it really doesn't seem as opportunities are close to mine. I don't know how much longer this will take, but any longer i feel like it'll be the end of it for me. I really believe therefore ill just be alone for a while.

This is a scene

2009-08-10T00:55:00.000-07:00

I just had the best night of my summer

it all started out with a movie

That movie transformed into a night full of quoting hilarious lines

Those hilarious lines transformed into facebook status updates in tweets

and then dun dun dun

Ironically at the same time, there is a party that most likely was formed or advertised to shove it in peoples faces that they weren't in the clique of friends anymore.

and then that quote "operation: Im so there its insane!" ironically looked as a "Operation: IM GONNA CRASH YOUR PARTY"

Paranoia is a beast we like to play along with

Well we don't have energy, time, or effort to literally crash a party

but its pretty easy to tweet "If you washed your car today, it was a waste"

And a funny thing is that I went to jewel with Jess to pick up bananas for my work, and she took a picture of the 5 bunches in my hands.

ahaha funny thing, it matches with our bitch theme of the day

Pranks with bananas? never heard of it... But why else would you be holding a stack of bananas in your hand?

mwahahahaha.

Good thing Karmas a bitch and ended that party early anyways.

And that early ended party turned into a night of bitch fights over twitter and aim.

I can feel the heat of the summer.

And i'm loving every single bit of it

Because the truth is

All i had do do was do nothing to form such a crazy-filled-paranoia night.

I am confident that I did absolutely nothing wrong. :D

all i can say is i love my family so much

and i love she's the man for starting this whole scene

Amazing Video...

2009-08-07T22:18:00.001-07:00

http://vimeo.com/6000638

Check it. I love videos like this.

Passion #1 (The Phantom Of The Opera)

2009-07-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

Passion #1

The Phantom of the Opera is my number one comfort. I have been listening to it a lot this week. For some reason it is like my lullaby. It puts me into a calm mood after the worst has occurred. It made me remember the time in my life where I watched it every day. I guess I put fourth my passion into objects because I'm cursed at love.... well at least the phantom of the opera will never disappoint me. Ironically i wore my phantom shirt today. And i also own the phantom bracelet and the book. I think I might read it again someday. I even know all the lyrics to the songs . I've seen the broadway play, and that was one of my happy days. Another good memory that phantom brings me is walking out of choir down the long choir hallway with my old friend Erin. We would split the headphones and listen to the 13 minute song "Down Once More" and sing along theatrically to it. I even remember the first time i watched this movie.I was at my uncles apartment and I started watching it halfway through and i couldn't take my eyes off of it. One of my tattoo ideas (if i ever get a tattoo) is probably an art from from something of the movie. Possibly the rose with the black bow? who knows. :D

a walk to remember

2009-07-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

How can a movie be so beautiful.

just watched a walk to remember.

i love that movie.

it makes me cry.

titanic too.

im not an emotional person in life

but movies for some reason really spark that trait in me.

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

future?

2009-07-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

Part of me wants to hold on to my childhood

and also live life based on the simple works that make me happy

settle down slowly in nothing too fancy. and just live my youth freely while it lasts

But then the other part of me wants to set up my future to become a successful woman.

this part of me knows ill keep myself living, but will i be happy in the major workplace?

i cant decide.

and i have to figure this out soon.

my college awaits...

askgalskarkjnajha

Figures, im really disappointed in you.

2009-07-15T23:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Mrs. ______

The funny thing is,

your just like your mother.

The way you talk,

the way you dress,

The way you know what your doing is wrong

And it's a bad habit that keeps poisoning your life

But you do it anyway...

Your cries of self pity are all true

and you should keep crying until you grow up.

We have suffered as a family through the hardships in life,

but we don't repeat mistakes as much as you do.

Go ahead and rake up people for your team.

You never even liked them anyway,

But its obvious now your desperate,

Our slap in your face made you a better person to them.

Well i'm glad you can be a better person with out us.

Because we don't want you in our life.

You caused an earthquake that should have never shook.

But our feet trembled and we grew far apart.

With my mind full of anger, all i can say is

That i'm glad this canyon is between us.

You'll just hear my echos a few miles away.

The echo you wished to see the birth of.

I know you.

And i know your suffering.

( Have fun listening to my echos of laughter.

You'll never get it back. )

Sincerely,

(I never really liked you anyway.)

2009-07-15T01:22:00.001-07:00

I like the way you call me late at night

to vent about a stupid girl

I like the way the very next day

You have her in a twirl.

Cause you a lie, a cheat,

and I'm just beat from trusting.

From falling

From failing

in your game.

I swallowed your trust

from all that lust

towards words and unrevealed

secrets meant to stay untold

Now doubt is all i have to hold.

I never really liked you anyway

But for some silly odd reason i had to play

In your game of disguise and lies

i was stupid to believe your empty word.

Because i already knew

Already knew

your a life long chum with a heavy guilty heart.

Someone, Find The Cure.

2009-07-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

I saw through my peripherals because I hate the fact I'm looking.

But I love the fact that your there.

Just one look and my body's turning inside-out.

These butterflies have the sharpest wings

And I can feel them creep with their gentile arms strolling.

The reality behind this beauty.

To look into the eye of the powerful being

Turns me petrified and cold to the touch.

Turns me to a mess with tapping fingers and fidgeting hands.

I pray you don't see the tears in my eyes.

Because they're not due to sadness

They're not due to happiness

They're due to this illness, this emotion unknown.

There is no name for what I feel when I see you

It is not love, it is not hate, but a simple way of wishing

A simple way of knowing

Our paths went the wrong ways.

We messed with justification.

LYRICS- Ryan Cabrera

2009-07-04T00:05:00.000-07:00

This segment of a song goes out to someone special to me.

This song played while having a conversation that related to this,

and I thought of you. <3

"I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me!"

- Ryan Cabrera

RIP Michael Jackson.

2009-06-25T23:51:00.000-07:00

Talent, Grace, Dedication... A true legend died today. The moment i saw it on Tv, the world stopped. I have always thought of this day ever since i was young. I even remember bringing up the conversation to my dad a few weeks ago, "It will be so sad when Michael Jackson dies, because he is one of the biggest legends of our time." Although people view him as a negative figure in our american pop culture, they seem to be blind to the many positive things he brought to us. His talents in dancing, singing, and loving were always things that stuck out to me. People say, "You aren't allowed to be sad and post it all over twitter/facebook/blogspot (etc.) because you weren't even a FAN! And now all the sudden he dies and you've become his BIGGEST fan!" This to me is just vulgar. There are a lot of people that we respect in our time who made some kind of impression in your life such as a Michael Jackson song Binging moment to bring you a bit of happiness in your life. and Come on, i know you've tried doing the thriller dance at least ONCE in your life! But, No, i don't know much about his life or even all of his music at all. But what i do know, is that he showed his music genius side to the world with the courage of being himself, and being different. And that is one of the many things i idolize about him. The thing that makes me sad, is that these past few years of his life only went down hill. Starting with his race-transformation and constantly getting shit from it, to his nose jobs and plastic surgery, and then to the whole molesting little boys thing. These actions lead to many strong against michael. And to watch footage of him being flocked by haters and fans, sounds like a sucky life to me. I heard an interview from a family member who even said that he couldn't trust anyone other than his family, because everyone else has let him down by exposing his personal life. But even with all this negativity, he never quit because for a while he has been preparing for a large tour in london. That is something i would have loved to see. But unfortunately the people attending all of those + 50 sold out shows worth have to be let down. And it makes me so sad, that while he was finally making his comeback, his life ended. But Michael will never die, he will live on forever with his songs and videos.

VIEWMORE

AND THINK ABOUT THIS: this was all before auto-tune.

A TRUE MUSICIAN!

(that ones for you Tony Martino)

Expose Me.

2009-06-25T02:15:00.000-07:00

There's nothing more that i hate Then a one way road of a conversation.

What kind of game am i in? is my life just not interesting enough that i must remain the mystery that no one cares to crack? I guess i just don't give the mysterious vibe which draws people in to go all googley-eyed over the wonders of my existence.

I want to be exposed to a wondering matter. Is that so wrong?

I am an expert listener with a open armed shoulder and my carry on phrases are first place winners.

But I'm only seen as a wall to throw your baggage at. Another person who cares but cant compare to the love you left on your shelf.

Cause she's so perfect.

So damn perfect.

And who am i? to hate the fact that she's so damn perfect.

Because everything will be okay cause

she's oh my god so perfect.

Throw your name that you carved in the bark of the tree last week. Just throw it all away. Because today, you are brand new. Today, the past is erased so we can re-live our mistakes.

Decisions.

2009-06-21T01:05:00.000-07:00

"Damned if i do ya, damned if i dont"

It is a phrase that is more than just sex.

It can also relate to other things...

Such as... friendships?

decisions decisions those "lovely" decisions.

They're only made for the better.

Rebound To Your Enemy. It Will Only Make You Distant.

2009-06-13T22:12:00.001-07:00

I never repost, but i really liked this entry. because its true.

truth #59

Narcissistic queen, you are killing me. You are really good at apologizing and making people feel bad for you. But I won’t fall for it. I know this path all too well. It’s hard to watch someone you love sink into things that you both used to joke and laugh about.

Its funny... because I ran into a tragedy today where I could put this into my own words. I sometimes don't get how someone can change one moment with strong opinions, and then slowly contradict themselves by turning into the person they used to be. They hate who they used to be. So why be that again? It might just be because that is the most comfortable they can be with themselves. Knowing their life living fake is only to get hand in hand with the important people who will make you seem on a higher level than the others down low, the others you used to see and then DREAMED that someday, someday that lucky girl you witness get on that bus, taxi, limo, whatever, would be you. So they change to be their so called dream, but then eventually rebound into old news, Sinking to the level of being the target once again. The target of their own aim.

When will it ever be right?

And your apologies... So planned out. They say practice makes perfect. But sometimes in situations, practices of certain kinds only kill you more. We know

you have a high level degree of apologizing, because its known as your religion, your only constant practice.. But you've bought yourself too many simple

tickets through. Those words just hit like bricks on a wall now. So whats your next hopeless aim? Because we sure don't pity you.

Taylor Swift...

2009-05-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

Taylor swift makes us think fairy tales can come true...

i bet in 100 years there will be a disney princess at disney world

and the character will be princess Taylor Swift.

She's the most real out of any other celebrity out there though.

so far.

Airless

2009-05-26T21:46:00.000-07:00

Thats okay

I'm fine

I have other _______

Go ahead and be that way

cause my life motto lately is

whatever.

I can be valuable

believe it or not

I don't care about stupid things

and I'm not worthy to argue anymore.

as a hobby like a game

I want to fly airless with the people who return

favors and smiles and gifts of kindness hearts

not a lazy day fallback of wishes and doubts

And I'm just sure glad i have you dear

because your the only thing

i have ever done right.

Im no Chaser

I just float in pure space

i am shouting for help.

2009-05-22T23:51:00.000-07:00

I dont like to say this

but it is only the truth.

this really sucks.

i know who i am and i know where im supposed to be

it is not here and it is not with these people.

The intellectual artists with true veiws on life and the world

are the ones who strike me as fancy.

I dont care about how good your weed is...

i dont care about your kick ass party you threw...

i dont care about your crazy dui

and i dont care about you lazy college days.

It truly is disgusting that people can sink so low onto a level

where their favorite moment of the week

is when they made mac and cheese to fulfill their munchies.

as an observer of these situations i can tell honestly from my soul

that i am meant to be good and set

i am meant to fall in love with the boy i once doubted

he who keeps running through my mind day in and day out

and i dont even know you anymore

it hurts to know i let such a beautiful person down

and i dont even know why i didnt give as much effort as i should have...

because i find it rare to find a person who lives and strives hard to reach their goals

and fulfills life by true laughs and smiles.

the real deal

it is.

and i was just dumb enough to let it pass on by.

but those things dont control my life

but i feel like my life is going out of control

changing to a new routine...

i am shouting for help

because i dont know what im going to do

when i have to take the lonely road.

please help me survive

if only i could hear that comforting voice again.

it will put me to sleep to dream the beauty of what was once

almost

perfection.

Genuinely good day

2009-05-18T18:40:00.001-07:00

I live for days like i had today

where its nonstop doing something

technology doesn't corrupt our lives

and we live inside the world were in for the moment

not holding back on screaming out car windows to the boys driving aside

laughter will be my language

when i live for days like i had today

dying for summer to start....

2009-05-17T21:55:00.001-07:00

There's some one thing that will always make my heart melt. and i miss it. Im just excited that summer is around the corner. I can go back to living again. with new things in store :P

On another note... i got my prom dress today :) Its HOTT PINK. Im glad i finally have something to look forward to :)

Raindance

2009-05-15T22:22:00.001-07:00

How can I hold this heavy head high

if its hailing boulders?

Weaving through a lightning storm

doesn't seem like some game,

but that is what you are...

a game...

a tricky game where you are always the winner.

You hold the throne to determine the weather

and on your call the wind will blow

as you sit and watch the houses fall to pieces.

If life is your disagreement

then words will be hidden behind rhymes

for the simple hope that your enemy will translate it into critisizm

dropping the world off of your shoulders.

The poets of the world are all guilty as charged.

But if you assume that the sun will come out...

one day, it may,

but thats not until we do the rain dance

to make it want to shine.

Climbing the Ladder With a Pair of Heels and Shades

2009-05-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

When I'm standing on a ladder

And your standing on the ground

From down below i look so high up

but when you reach my level upon these rungs

maybe you can see its more of fear than courage

that makes it look so fierce behind these shades.

they really were to keep the sun out

because the sun turns out to be hot hot hot

when at first you think its just a beautiful star

but as you climb up

higher and higher

you burn from your trust of the blinding beautiful light

Not even the brightest star will grant your wishes

because trust is an issue we all have to face

they turn into your demons which you never wished to fight

over and over they will shout to come down

because the higher you climb the longer the fall

turns into less pain from this all

so just take off your own shades

and expose those tears

for maybe then i will climb back down

so we can all face our longing cheers

being so high isn't always what it seems

so face me like the angel

whom i know is within your means

Please read to me the definition of a friend.

2009-05-06T20:18:00.000-07:00

She says hey hello how are you friend

and i just look at her and say

find me the definition of friends

and tell me again that i am such

a fool

you are such a fool for thinking

i am such a fool for wasting

hearts on more for bitter tasting

i taste you i taste you

and its this sour sweet

that kept me on my feet

maybe effort should be given

to keep a so called friend.

i am not going anywhere further

but i am not running back either.

im stuck in your ice age

until you need me for foolish shoulders

make me feel like I'm worth it

to waste away my sighs of silent nights

the victims that you shot down

are really all oh kay

please don't scream

in the little baby boy's ear

there will be no answer back

only because of fear

Just Try To Cry

2009-04-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

This is sad

It truly is

And I'm currently searching for the reason

It might be because

As a child they tell you, you will never be the winner

Fairy tales aren't true

And you will never win the lottery

So don't even try

It's stuck in my head that I'll never get the gold

But sometimes

A little light shines bright

And I will reach for it

To the point where I'm on my toes

And then realize its only a firefly passing by

It's light faded before my eyes

They've taught me the confidence of many souls

And the wise ways of the old

It's been put to good use

Except for the days where I wish I were normal

Where i wish it was we

Who could break, but still have our past to learn from

To rely from

To live from

But in this case it's sans we

There's no such poem

There's no such song

Where we is a factor

For me to sing along

I am the matchmaker

I am the therapist

I am the shoulder

I am the friend

I am the teacher

I am the life

I am the smiles

I am the light

But who can I be

To fill this gap

Cause I keep jumping over it

And I turn to look back

I don't leave with a smile

Yet, I leave with regret

But I guess it is better off

for me to not fret.

INVISIBLE CHILDREN!

2009-04-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

The Rescue Instructional Video from Jason Russell on Vimeo.

Cant wait for this saturday!

Boy Language

2009-04-14T21:15:00.000-07:00

Come here little girl

Begging on the edge of my bed

Your only dumb enough to not know

Your curiosity shows

I don't understand your boy language

Someone pull me out of this

I overanalyze and shit

I'm helpless

A short passage of passion

2009-04-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

“Ahh…” he slowly sighed in confidence. “He decided not to share this time.”

“Gee… I’m sorry. Gah don’t you just wish you could get away from all of this. Parents are so ridiculous. Every answer has no reason attached to it. Its like they don’t realize the soul we have in us.”

“That’s poetic.” He replied, with a half hearted tone. He held glumness with a pinch of happiness behind his eyes.

We shared a glance and it took a while to break it. This moment, right now, was picture perfect. The sun was setting and the breeze through the trees whistled and rattled the perfect summer leaves. An evening like tonight, is the only thing I live for. Even if it wasn’t with someone I deeply loved, it was shared with someone who cared about me. And boy I cared about him too.

No day but today.

2009-04-11T22:51:00.000-07:00

I just experienced a really great night.

I just got home from seeing Rent in Chicago at the Oriental theatre. This performance was special from any other rent that i've seen because Anthony Rapp and Adam Pascal were in the cast. Also we got seats in the 5th row. :) The show was phenomenal. I found myself actually tearing up because the actors did so well and moved the show along with great stage presence that actually sucked me in and let me "watch" the show, instead of looking for things that shouldn't be there. (i know, i am really bad at watching shows because once it is your life, it becomes a habit to watch it in another way... more like looking for mistakes and such.) I also thought it was great because there was a man in his 40s sitting next to me, and he was singing under his breath throughout the whole show. Usually people would think its obnoxious to hear your neighbor annoyingly singing, but it struck me in a way of joy, because i realized how such a deep show- it attracts an audience of all kinds. I've heard of a lot of people who despise the show because its about sex, drugs, and aids. But the thing people need to realize- is that, that is a big part of our world, but those things only help tell the true story, which is about friendship and not afraid of being who you are. So anyway we watched the whole show with me tearing and giving a large standing ovation to the actors for their outstanding performance, and then my friends uncle told us that he was taking us backstage. Her Uncle Buddy has connections with a lot of the people who were working backstage, and so the stage manager let us in backstage. We got a tour and got to stand on the stage. It was the most wonderful moment of my life... because i was standing on the stage of the oriental theatre, (where i also saw WICKED) and i stood there and took it all in. Theatre is one of my passions (that i don't really express too much) and to get that experience of standing on a stage... was just so cool. It was a dream come true. So we followed along our little fun tour and stood in the hallway of the dressing rooms. It was great to see all of the actors walking along getting out of costume and it was hilarious because one of the ensemble girls couldn't find her dressing room. Buddy's friend, (Who was the stage manager) then got Adam Pascal to come out and talk to us. He really was a great guy and so down to earth. It was interesting meeting him in real life because if i think about it, i used to watch rent at LEAST once a week. So it was cool! I congratulated every actor as they walked past for doing a great job. And then i saw Anthony Rapp... It was a little sad because he was sick and in his performance his voice gave out a little bit. But i wish he could just know that i thought he still did outstanding because he stuck through his performance and sang "what you own" so great. Another awkward experience was that i was standing in front of a dressing room door... pondering whether i should move or not because someone was probably going to come out or enter it anytime soon. Well two seconds later, the man who played benny walks up to me. I just nicely said "Hi" and he said "Hi".. and then i awkwardly said "Whatsup" because he was awkwardly standing there, as it looked like he was just standing to see what was up and all... and he was like "oh nothing much.... i'm just trying to get to my dressing room." and i was like "Oh ah sorry" and moved. It was really awkward and i got made fun of for the rest of the night. And the best part of my night: We ended our tour and went to the door to walk out side. As the door was slowly opening i heard a voice say "DOOR DOOR DOOR! ITS OPENING" and i looked outside and it was a HUGE flock of people waiting for the actors to come out for autographs. It was pretty cool because they all cheered for us (Thinking we were famous) and even one girl tried to get me to sign her playbook. I guess i would understand that i sort of resembled someone in the cast.. but it was really funny and now i know what its like to be a celebrity. :) oh happy day!

And PS. Happy Easter :)

Express your truth, Echo your passion

2009-04-10T23:41:00.000-07:00

You are sitting in a church

Every sound is echoed through the wooden ceiling

shooting planks at all different angles

reverb the noise from us all living children

It is silent.

The tears of faith are strolling down cheeks

Sitting in front of the lives among us

Expressing your soul from the passion you contain within.

You begin to realize, this act effected plenty

Many thoughts and fears along with hopes dreams

or even just a mind that sounds out

Thank you

In Envy

2009-04-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

We as people shouldn't possibly get angry at others for having fun.

Its only in envy where we choose to roll our eyes around

And it's only in care when we choose to stop the storm that'll blow lives away.

There is no possible way you can get scarred from living and taking advantage of every day.

I wanna laugh I wanna cry I wanna live.

I want to see all while i can with a carpe diem

Without throwing down the Jenga in one simple pull.

But i'm better than that so please don't yell and please dont scream.

I am not that girl you have seen.

I am safe in my mind of all shady things

And i want to be trusted, because we all know you know.

So please let me live before i may some how die

Because we as people shouldn't possibly get angry at others for having fun.

I AM FREE

2009-03-31T21:32:00.000-07:00

Faustus

GI 2009

So the group interpretation competition ended with our team getting 8th place. It's not that bad, but i think we deserved better. :/. BUT THATS OKAY. I am perfectly happy with it. And i made so many memories and close relationships. I made new friends, and aquatinted with old friends. It was a fun filled week of long bus rides, free food, crazy cast members, emotions everywhere, sleeping, watching plays ALL DAY, performing, and having awesome conversations. We also ended off the trip by stopping at alexanders, where we grill our own steak. But i decided that i don't like steak very much :/.

So its been since saturday, I came home from school today wishing i was at practice again. It was sad. But then i drank some after school coffee to keep me alive from boredom, and did tons of SCHTUFF. i took pictures, read, painted

a picture, talked to people, and went places. I didn't know it was possible to do so much in one day... I'm shocked! So here i am now, ending the day blogging because i have figured that i haven't done this in a while! and new update since my last post... my book is on hold now, because i had a great vision and began to write a PLAY. and I'm very excited about it.

Heres a picture that i took today due to my boredom...

PWND!

Alright so now it's back to finishing the ice storm and lost possibly if I'm still awake. these are the oh happy days. and oh happy nights.

PS: DID ANYONE SEE THAT STORM TODAY?! it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen. i literally was struck by the veiw of my backyard, because it was sunny but pouring. The rain was hitting the ground so gracefully, without thunder. and it lasted about five minutes. The sun came out even brighter afterwards and it gave me some sort of feeling i cannot identify. What a wonderful world.

2009-03-15T00:29:00.000-07:00

I'm writing a B00k.

S o m u c h f o r b e i n g s p o n t a n e o u s ?

Bright Blue

2009-03-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

I feel speechless

I don't know what to say

Or even what to think

I don't know how to feel

Or even how to express.

I know what I want

But I cant get there

Alone.

Paint me the colors of a map

i need my inspiration to clash with this life

Everything seems to be falling flat

I'm only paper thin

Hold up the light and see right through

And you still wont see what I'm made of.

Im changing colors everyday

and every day the colors fade

Its up to all of you

all of you

To dye me back to bright blue

The (not-so) Cliché Love Poem

2009-03-09T22:22:00.000-07:00

I am in love with you.

I always knew I'd love you.

The second I held you in my hand

My heart skipped a beat.

I knew I'd see you next week,

And so my week tumbled into waiting

Waiting until we must part again.

I spent my days blind

For I was so eager to see you

to have you

to hold you

once more

Until you were mine.

We clicked so passionately

It makes me smile every time I push your buttons.

But you are so

Complicated.

And i must figure you out soon

Before the desire fades

Fades into the antiques we wish we never knew

But I won't give you up.

You're The one who will never leave me.

Although, One day you will die

But I will remember you always,

And I'll move on and go fourth with something anew

But You,

My lover,

My olympus E-520

This is more than love.

It's passion.

alright alright I know that an item cant love me back... But anyways I bought my new baby olympus e-520 on sunday and fell in love with it, I have been taking pictures of nonsense for the past two hours trying to play with all the settings learning about the camera.Im treating my camera like bronx cause no one has seen it yet, and no one will hold it! tis mine mine mine. :D. I cant wait until I have the time to go and take some awesome photos. Soon enough when i know how to work it like the back of my hand (yeah i never understood that expression either) and I'm taking it to the city to learn learn learn and take take take pictures (pictures pictures?). Please volunteer to be my model for a photoshoot. I want to incorportate a lot of meaning and art into my picture so we will have a chat and then i'll create an image in my mind and we together will create ART.

Black Weekend

2009-03-08T10:11:00.000-07:00

This is a very black weekend.

Friday, my aunt olga passed away. I wish i could've gotten the chance to speak with her about her memories, because she lived through the 20's and the great depression... the 20's is my favorite era of the history of the world. (and we're studying it in american studies right now). Well today is her wake and I think I am going to miss school tomorrow for her funeral.

And saturday my good friend's best friend passed away after a long struggle to stay alive. He got in an accident with a drunk driver. And he was only about my age. Value life everyone, because he was just too young to pass.

And the ironic thing I noticed... Whenever someone dies that I know, or I know of... it always Rains.... interesting.

In the Driver's Seat.

2009-03-04T18:33:00.000-08:00

As i said before... everything can change in the blink of an eye.

If you are one who reflects stupid and immature

And figures your lucky

And that your oh so fine

That you have the nerve to drink and drive...

I will loose all my respect for you.

I won't talk to you.

And I hope it gives you hell.

My friend's best friend was involved in a collision a few days ago

Hit by a drunk driver.

He is in critical condition

Yet the drunk driver walked away with a broken wrist.

This innocent young guy

Is currently in the hospital as we speak.

His lung collapsed and few times

He went into cardiac arrest

And they had to revive him more than once.

For just a few minutes ago

He is able to breathe on his own again.

It's insane how much we give breathing for granted.

Because some people cant.

Tragedy of an Angel

2009-03-03T21:01:00.001-08:00

What do you do,

When you are madly in love with someone

And everything is set for a perfect life,

But before you can kick it off,

The one you love has to move across the ocean...

With a 1% chance of ever coming back.

What do you do with the lost love

That is wanted love.

And I told her,

Fate makes the wind blow in all crazy directions.

Anything can change in a second.

Right now a boulder could be dropped on this ceiling

Causing us to never walk again...

Every time except for once

We are to love, only to be heartbroken.

One day every thing's gonna fall

But the only thing that matters

Is how you are going to sweep up the pieces.

Will you throw them away,

Or keep them piled forever.

Will you place it on a shelf

Or will you hold it in your pocket

every where you go.

Let go,

And let the wind take you where it blows

Because no one knows their future

And nothing is set in stone.

Maybe this is a chance

To realize your microscopic scars

that could be healed by the blurs that whizz around your head.

If only you can see

That everyone suffers.

And being heartbroken is a true emotion.

You are supposed to be happy dear

Because This first-time tragedy

Leaves all the characters

To die

"I need to go jump into more streams."

2009-02-25T21:25:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i wish i could just make my own mistakes, and learn from them myself. I think when you do so, you learn much more about yourself, and your life has more depth. I just realized that I really haven't cried in a long time... And through that non-existent experience, my life feels so shallow. It's missing the depth and inspiration i am striving for. The only thing i can think of on the top of my mind that stresses me out... is whether i can be able to wake myself up in the morning due to my laziness. And now i wonder... is it healthy living a life thats always uplifting? I feel so immune to negative feelings because I've been practicing optimism for a long time, and I'm used to the negative things that repeat in my life every so often. I need to reach out for a much crazier life i feel. I feel i am way too responsible that i haven't been able to reach for the new undiscovered aspects in life... I guess it's cause i feel fright when its the moment in life where you can take a leap across a stream to get to the other side. Its always the fear of, "what if i don't make it"... Well what would happen... You jump, fall in, land in water, and your life turns into a brand new unexpected path... I need to go jump into more streams.

2009-02-25T20:19:00.001-08:00

The best thing i've learned so far from writers week is:

Live for the awkward moments.

Yes I Just Know

2009-02-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

This

Is a new feeling.

The kind of feeling you get

When you see the peaking of light

Through a cracked open door

A door where on the other side

You know, is a beautiful day.

It's the emotion

that makes you feel

Colors.

No not your regular

ROYGBIV colors

But COLORS

That exist

Beyond what the human eye can see

Beyond what the human heart can feel

Beyond what the human mind can think

This all began at a moment

A moment where

The human eye froze

The human heart stopped

And the human mind... blank

A Time where your life falls off the broken tracks

Over a canyon that has no end

Your falling

falling

BAM

You seem to hit reality again

But your human eyes are seeking

and your human heart is beating

and your human mind... is rambling

Rambling foreign tongues

That don't even translate

Into your own known knowledge

But you do know

You know one thing

Can

Feel

and I know.

Yes.

Just

Know.

Mary Fons

2009-02-23T20:42:00.000-08:00

So our school had a kickoff to writers week this week, with the first act as Mary Fons. She is quite a wonderful woman. i don't know why she isn't worldwide famous yet. Her style and passion for what she does is exquisite and i think our school is so lucky to have her perform every year. Despite her recent illness she still rocked the show, and even showed her spunky courage, by sharing with us everything about her surgery and her low time of her life. She really shared so many important lessons that will probably stick with me throughout life. Such as the fact that she just went through a life TRAUMA, and still she can hold her head high and say, "I'm gonna make something out of this. I'm going to tell the world about my disease, not so they can feel bad for me, but so they can experience what it means to write, and express yourselves through words and actions". Okay well she didn't actually say that... but if i were to speak for her in this situation... thats what i would say. It is so terrific that she has no boundaries and she seems like a great girl with a great personality, and a very happy life. Another thing she taught me was that there are so many things you can do with writing. And you don't need guidelines to how and what your going to write. You don't need to write necessarily for anyone.... you have all the freedom in the world that you can write for yourself. And since she said, writing just takes a lot of practice... but once you start writing every day, you get better and better and better at it. She pretty much inspired me to start writing even more. (Although i already blog a ton)... So let me tell you... if you are bored and sitting on your ass looking for life inspiration... google/youtube her and just read/watch her stuff. She's a great woman.

2009-02-14T22:56:00.001-08:00

And were done now.

starting fresh.

Open water.

Can't wait to follow the wind

and see where it takes me.

Lets try a Fate ride.

2009-02-13T22:03:00.001-08:00

Once again

It's a no.

2009-02-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

These are one of those days where i sit outside in the nice weather i've been waiting for for so long. I can just picture it... sitting outside in ten years at my apartment in the city. Sitting on the front stoop steps sipping a hot cup of coffee listening to music watching the city people pass by and go on with their living, or even entering the venue that would be right across the street. And Then i'd also be i-chatting with a friend while painting a picture or sketching. oh yeah and one more thing... i would be wearing a SNUGGY! ... no i am totally just kidding. but that would be intrestingly sweet.

Okay well here mike wickman is driving into my street... okay he just passed my house. bye mike. okay anway.

So the sun is slowly setting and my house lights are turning on. The temperature is dropping and i am debating whether based on the weather if i should go inside or stay out. I love the smell of spring. but hah. funny... the last time i checked february was considered winter.... hmm

Life decision.

2009-02-08T13:27:00.000-08:00

I will only marry a man who can rock a Fedora well.

I'm hot and I'm cold.

2009-02-04T20:11:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to the Starbucks valentines day soundtrack Cd. Its wonderful. Its mixed with modern and classic music. And so now I'm thinking about valentines day. :(. well. no. actually I'm not that sad. I guess I'm just a bit disappointed because a month ago i thought this might be the first valentines day i would actually spend with someone. But i guess not. Maybe I'll just go see State and Madison that night... I Don't know. Im just so confused with what i want to do right now. I'm hot and I'm cold, I'm yes and I'm no, I'm in and I'm out, I'm up and I'm down. My mind is changing every day... better yet... my mind is changing every hour. I just wish i could maybe have the nerve to pick up the phone and just make a silly little phone call... but everyone knows life is not like the movies. People aren't as understanding. People aren't that nice... Its funny how looking at everyone around, it looks so easy. But i never once has witnessed this situation in an easy way... and I never get my way. I'm not one to complain... but I just don't know what i want now. I don't want anything, yet, i want something. someone explain to me my feelings. You see... this is why i watch lost... it gets my mind off from scrambling these stupid thoughts around.

beginnings

2009-02-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

Somehow my tea turned inta wine

Memoir of our breaths whom intertwine

You really know how to rock a lock

yeah you really know how to rock a lock

carbon flows constant

keeping minds sane

we only feel chill

and the children are tame

come lie with me

dont lie to me

were only winning this game

which throws kids meerly insane

2009-02-02T18:10:00.000-08:00

i sometimes wish i could go to england over the summer and comeback with an accent... so i could have a good excuse of why i speak in a british accent.

I am really annoyed of this progress... things shouldn't take this long. and that is why i should give up. but something is keeping my hang by, by a string

25 facts

2009-01-30T23:45:00.000-08:00

It's Just Me.

So this facebook thing is going around where people are posting 25 random facts about themselves... and I decided to write it in my blog.

1. My mind sees the world in an artistic way.

2. I love my family more than anything in the world. Even though I disagree

with many of their actions... they complete me, and give me something to

live for.

3. I love music. It basically recharges me to feeling fine. But I feel like I don't

love it enough sometimes... because I rarely know the words by heart, and

I don't know of many bands. But because I'm not the best at always being in

the know, it doesn't exactly mean I don't have passion for the music. There

are so many times I see people who have passion for the people, not exactly

the music. That disgusts me. Although the person who is creating the music

is a huge part of the picture, I just really hate to see people who go to shows...

and don't watch/listen to the show. They watch whom they adore, and then

socialize in another room. Part of going to a show is viewing all different kinds

of talents that are out there. So Enjoy it while your ears can still hear kids.

4. I want to pursue photography. People don't believe in me, and I know they

doubt me... but I have never felt so much passion for one thing in my life. I

can catch myself staring at a photo for a long time... and i can see myself living

the happy life being a photographer. The funny part is, I gained this passion

through a "one door closes, one door opens" situation. Everything happens for a

reason. Your reason may not come right away... but in the long run, you will see.

5. I am really bad at keeping in contact with people. I think its because I am really

bad at talking on aim... so they think I don't care anymore.

6. I fall for the wrong reasons sometimes.

7. I learn from each of my mistakes. To the extreme. And the one thing that ticks me

off, is when people don't return the favor and believe that they are perfect and have

no faults. If so, I refuse your friendship.

8. I love the show LOST. I recently gained an addiction to it. And TBH... i think my

reasons for loving the show so much is for the fact that it takes my mind into a different

world, so i don't have to worry about things that shouldn't be worried about. I worry too

much.

9. Speaking of addictions... I am addicted to caffeine. If i don't drink it i go through a withdrawal.

I get bad headaches and start to sweat, and then my thought process disappears.

10. I happen to believe I have tourette syndrome. People think i'm bogus and they say I just say

I have it cause I "want" it... but ever since I can remember, I have had constant tics...

including a vocal one. People always point out that I tic and i don't even notice them

anymore because im so used to it. I didn't even know what it was until the summer before

8th grade when i went to a camp where it was "tourettes week" and there was a group of

kids with tourettes. I felt like I wasnt a strange child anymore. Cause I understood why I

always tick. I did research and all of the symptoms match. But my parents refuse to take me

to a person to get "tested" or whatever... cause they think its all in my head.

11. When I turn 18, I'm getting my lip double pierced. You only live once :)

12. I have two dogs Riley and Skittles. If Riley wasn't so cute, i would hate her. People think i

abuse riley... but she enjoys being slid across the wood floor! but I don't think she enjoys

being kicked down the stairs (coughjessicacough)

13. In 8 years I see myself single, living in a small but cozy apartment doing what I love,

photography, and participating in community theatre musicals. I see myself having a TON of

friends who all inspire me, and they're gonna come over where i would cook a meal, and then

we'd all watch a movie. =]

14. I plan on going to Columbia... and everyone says that I should look around more... and its

too early to decide... but when I visited, it was like love at first sight. That feeling you get

when you see the boy who will be your husband one day.

15. I like to read on my own time. I hate reading for school.

16. I've been doing pretty good on my new years resolution on not procrastinating. Im proud of

myself. :)

17. I have a sixth sense. I know fake when I see it. I can easily tell when people are lying.

18. I work at an ice cream store and I love it. And I love the fact that I can be around sugar

without eating it.

19. I used to have a food addiction as a wee child. And I was chubby. So speak and gang up on a

certain individual in a negative way (who does not deserve it)... then i look down upon you.

people who talk smack just are insecure about themselves. I can read people well.

20. I am a VERY Optimistic positive person. My grandma and mother shoved that down my

throat and my life has turned around. I love my life and I am so incredibly happy.

21. People say I am very wise for my age. and I think its because I became mature pretty fast.

But i'm afraid i'm gonna look back and regret my high school years because I didn't live the

full "high school experience".

22. Tell me a secret and I will keep it forever without telling a soul. Talk to me about a

problem, and I will tell you what you may or may not want to hear. Take my advice as you

please and if not, grow up and learn life is not fair. The only way to grow forward is

understanding that you're not perfect, and moving on with the advice that was given,

(unless it was bogus advice) I strongly believe in hope, but hope needs

to have reason and truth behind it. Or else its one big lie. and nothing is worse than a lie.

23. I like [Insert name here] because I have never been more comfortable around anyone else.

We could go on and on about nothing in our conversations. You make me laugh and i can just

picture us having a good time lying under the stars. But I wont wait around, cause its all

in your hands.

24. There are only a few people who are on "The list". and every day my imagination plays a

movie of me punching them in the face. I do not believe in violence... but imagining punching

someone in the face is a great feeling. :) Its harmless and you can still feel like you did that.

25.

Weak

2009-01-29T21:49:00.000-08:00

The way you show you're a "Brave soul"

Just shows you are weak.

The mind has been nothing but truth

But your lips line lies.

you say; "everyone should be

Anti-whole

Against their natural will.

You should be like me

Because I am an imitation

Of what is seen to be great."

But I have seen your version of "Great"

By the rainy nights of chasing fear

Its when she screams but no one can hear.

It Replays Replays

In my mind

And that my friend

Is why I will never fall into your rabbit hole.

I sense fake when I see it

And at the back of my head its only

beep beep beep.

when you speak speak speak

Peer pressure

from a simple friend

you are no friend at all.

Rewind rewind

to the one who used to be

the one who used to be

you used to be

you.

Goodnight Chicago.

2009-01-29T21:46:00.000-08:00

i totally had something on my mind to blog about

but i forgot.

goodnight chicago.

Carpe Diem While You Can.

2009-01-24T11:47:00.001-08:00

This is one of those days where you feel

- wow... i am nobody. and i am nobody's somebody. -

And when you find your piece of mind again

you try to think of a reason you ARE somebody...

But I've realized... It's hard to see your own Quals.

If you have good friends, then thats when you think of them,

and then they make you feel confident.

Why? no reason.

but only for the endless support they provide,

and continuous priceless laughs that come around.

But what happens when you cant be comfortable around those people anymore?

That... is what scares me.

What happens when they don't care anymore.

Carpe Diem while you can...

And just don't screw anything up for your own social standards of well being.

Sacrifices...

2009-01-24T10:41:00.001-08:00

I've decided I will be doing nothing but working for the next few weeks. no concerts... no out to dinner fun... I need to make money... FAST!

So who wants to hang out with me... without spending money?! :D

and still trying to figure out how I'm possibly gonna survive in the city...

Gah my life. At least I'm preparing early for being poor on my own, right?

2009-01-23T22:18:00.000-08:00

Stop. Take some time to think

Figure out what's important to you

Stop. Take some time to think

Figure out (who's) important to you

Stop. Take some time to think

Figure out what's important to you

You gotta make a serious decision.

- Against Me!

Who's your core?

No... The REAL core.

Not all the junk that builds those pillars

the ones that hold high hopes and comfort.

You're building coliseums here

But one day

When the storm hits cold

It will fall

And that one first pillar will still be standing.

Will you walk past it as it's part of something broken?

Or will you see that it's the pillar thats been there all along.

It started as your core

And ended as the one whom won against the wind.

As more pillars were built

It just blended in as something to hold your ceiling high

You forgot it's value after all its worth

Clean up the ashes around the last one standing

Or it will no longer shine.

Unfortunately

2009-01-23T22:00:00.000-08:00

Goodbye camera

Daddy decided to take you in

Because your getting too old.

Maybe we can fix you up?

But unfortunately, you are too beat up.

and unfortunately, I am not fortunate.

Im not ready yet to buy my new baby...

But it will kill me not to have one-

for the amount of time until it takes to buy it.

And unfortunately no one will lend me one either.

What do I do?

I cannot work very often due to my other passion in life

So this is the point where i need to ponder

upon what my choice of life will be.

I will not settle too fast for something far too less.

This is more depressing for me then being rejected by a crush.

LOST

2009-01-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

So here i was... roaming the blockbuster aisles like i do once a week, looking for a nice classic movie to watch. Mainly my mind was set upon renting "Pineapple Express"... but then something happened. I stopped at the end of the aisle where it met the back of the store. For some reason i turned right, and walked past... LOST. I stopped upon arrival and just thought... "What is so great about this show?". Recently i've heard many praises about this show... and I was convinced that i should watch it. So I took two discs (8 episodes) and rented them. I got home and was eager to watch them. But just one episode. It was late and i had to get to sleep... so my mind was set on just watching ONE.

I failed. I ended up watching a whole disc. (4 episodes). Luckily i saved myself from watching the rest of them and went to sleep. I continued on watching the rest today. And let me say... I am addicted. There's nothing better than following a great show that has more of a plot than just love affairs and such.

2009-01-12T20:08:00.000-08:00

Summary of my day. (And what's on my mind)

-never shout never has been stuck in my head this whole weekend, continuing on today.

-I have been constantly singing and playing the piano all day.

-I helped Matt out for posing for Hollister try 0uts. Yes, he was posing shirtless in my house... and it was akward.

-I keep jumping around. i think its cause i've had so much sugar today... but wait... i haven't?

-Me and my mom spent time together today and it made me really happy. and then we joked around.. she said i was a bad child cause when we went to jewel i snuck in a 3rd box of mac and cheese. mwahaha.

-So one of my art finals is making a 10 second animation... and mine is about a boy who hates carrots so he throws it over his shoulder and it goes through someone's head. bloo

d. the end.

-I really really think i have ADD. I haven't been able to sit for more than 10 minutes to study. and i have to read all the questions out loud.... in a really loud voice... to get me focused.

-iiiiiiii Decided not to like him anymore... and it doesn't bug me. People who have no purpose in life are boring. And it's really annoying. and he's an ass. and. idk.

-I threw a blanket over riley to be annoying, like ... a half hour ago... and she is still sitting underneath it. SHES SO WEIRD!

-So i really want to see William Beckett at a public place... cause I seriously think he lives close to me?

-Finals are tomorrow and I'm going to fail them ALL! goodbye GI/CP :(

-Riley finally jumped out from under the blanket. okay she's alive. phew.

-I think its so strange how i can write on blogspot for like an hour without getting distracted.

-I have nothing to wear... i s

hould probably do my laundry.

-I am so sorry if you are reading this. but thanks for being interested in my life christina jess and tay. :)

-My mother is addicted to facebook. and shes jealous that my grandma gets more wall posts than her.

-Life is wonderful when my room is clean

-Life is wonderful when my sisters are away at school

-Life is wonderful when the snow is light and bright

-Life sucks when your cold from winter

-Life sucks when you have to take finals

-Life is wonderful when you have finals week (as in, every days a half day)

-Life is SPECTACULAR when you are looking forward to a concert over the weekend.

-Life sucks when your looking forward to no one

wonderful over the weekend.

-Okay well i want to go watch "Private School' on hulu. Is it good?

-Maybe i should go, like... help the homeless or something. Maybe something good will come out of that?

-Theme Photography yes? i am absolutely in love with this picture. NEW THEMED project for me.

by sara kiesling

she's one of my inspirations. I love her work.

And a new themed photo shoot coming soon- 3D

When are you free?

after-movie night thoughts.

2009-01-10T10:26:00.001-08:00

I love the august rush soundtrack.

it has so much passion and the music is written so well.

I'm listening to it as i type and it just reminds me of the time i first saw this movie

it was so good... I smiled through the whole thing.

And now thinking about movie theaters... i want to go alone again.

I went to see TWILIGHT alone, and it was a very different experience.

And i enjoyed it. Just like i sometimes enjoy going to a concert alone.

So now its snowing and i feel like i just wasted my time shoveling the driveway...

cause it is now caught up with the rest of the snow pretty much again.

i feel like acoustic.

and studying some more out of my dads old photography books.

he brought home 3 for me... and I'm planning on reading all of them :)

So heres a debate on my mind:

So my english teacher always tries to prove himself as a good person, cause he stands up for what he believes in and sticks strong to his opinions. but in my eyes... this situation was just pure selfishness. So why does he try to teach us his selfish lifestyle? just like he was bragging the fact:

"So i went to see a movie. i went 45 minutes early... i got my popcorn sitting in the best spot in the theatre with my wife aside of me. It was the perfect seat. right in the center. And then the movie started filling up more and more. Then the commercial previews (with the lights still up) started, and this young couple came into the theatre. About the age of their mid 20's. And then the girl made an announcement to my row, 'Excuse me.. sorry but could everyone maybe move one seat down?" because there was some open single spaces in the row that nobody occupied. and these were the only seats left in the theatre (other than the front row) that her and her boyfriend could sit. Well... I stood up and said "No. I am staying right here! you should have come earlier. I came 45 minutes early to get this seat and i will not move.' And then the boyfriend from across the aisle screamed to his girlfriend, 'You mean he's not moving?' So then ends up they had to go sit uncomfortably in the front. Now class, you see, that is the kind of attitude you need. You need to stand up for yourself in what you believe in. i mean isn't that ridiculous? this couple expected to come late to a movie and make a whole row scoot down one. And thats hard because you have to gather your coats, drinks, and all of your other belongings and move one seat at a time down the row."

Okay. So. This made me really angry. I don't know why he should be proud of this fact. It seemed as he was causing a scene over nothing.

A.) The couple came and a normal time that people usually come to movies.

B.) Its ONE SEAT. Is it really that hard?

C.) WWJD?!??! yeah uhuh

I just thought that was the most ignorant and selfish thing i have ever heard coming out of someone's mind. I just wanted to debate with him, but in a class

0f 6o people... I'm sure they would rather get on with school work than waste time on debating over something so stupid.

I guess the hard hit i took towards this subject is something that i have been dealing with lately.

What if it was a couple in their mid 60's. Would he have done the same thing?

Well my guess is probably not. and if he did, thats even worse. But still, does one seat from the center really ruin your experience of a movie? Isn't a movie all

about the movie itself, rather than the luxury of seeing it?

so tell me... what do you think about that?

nonexistent

2009-01-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

All the things I expected, happen to just really be nonexistent. incredibly non.ex.is.tent.

And watching them all take advantage at what's handed to them on a gold and silver platter

is just painful to watch.

Now don't think differently... i am definitely a happy camper with a great life...

But there's just that one thing digging under my skin every day.

and I don't know the reason why.

I don't know the effing reason why.

I took the walk of regret today... but i dont know what i was regretting...

it was like the walk of being denied on something you thought was growing the opposite way.

Stop or go?

2009-01-07T20:51:00.000-08:00

I don't know weather i should wait or if i should continue on. This is just so hard. and its funny how its like karma... the same exact thing is coming around my way, except I'm in a different position. I am so confused and its frustrating. I feel like life is so short and it goes by so quick so i should just run to an open chance... but then yet i wonder if something good is actually worth waiting for... or is that just another one of those thrown around phrases that really aren't true. whattodowhattodowhattodo.... gah.

dǝsnfuoɔ

2009-01-02T03:35:00.001-08:00

To be honest... I haven't gone for this much help in a long time. I'm glad i did though. There has been so much on my mind from school to boys to friends and i just feel like I'm simply confused . Sometimes... I guess it's okay to go to people for help. People are put in your life for basically being the wall that helps you stay up as you start to fall.

But heres a toast to year

2 0 0 9.

I really can't imagine what is in store this year.

-------------

There's nothing better

than a pack of brats

or girls who thing their lonestars.

(But its true).

And there's so much

that i can recall.

Knock em out and let them shine.

strike a pose within your eyes.

your the model of the century.

Say it isn't so

Say it isn't so so real.

Merry Christmas.

2008-12-25T23:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my favorite time of the year.

Although i see my family every sunday...

This particular gathering is special.

Why? well because its a time that you remember - where you can appreciate what you have.

Through all the hard times that every family shares, this is a day you remember all of the good times and be thankful that you have a family to share them with. and remember that magic does exist... if you look back on all the young years. If you just believe.

Everyone is always so into KNOWING THE TRUTH and the reality in EVERYTHING. But just think... was christmas more magical when santa was the biggest thing you looked forward to? So for all you people in this world who just need to know every little thing and wont sit back and relax.... just know, things are much more magical in life if you sit back and relax. and enjoy the show.. :)

A lesson i learned today - If something negative happens... dont go into negative assumptions of WHY. Because you never know. in time - if you just give a positive reaction... you might learn that the happening was never negative in the first place.

and it might just turn out perfectly. so why bother bad thoughts in the first place?

i love you

2008-12-22T00:17:00.001-08:00

oh wait sorry... wrong txt.

What if something just like that actually happend?

basically

ahah I love my friends. just sitting around talking till 1 am is the best thing in the world. And also watching a terrific 90's movie with spectacular music in it. Teaching the youngings what highschool life is really like, and what to watch out for. it made me realize so much myself on how different highschool is from jr high, or even let alone, college. I'm so glad im with the friends im with today. without them i dont even know what i could make out of myself.

Doubt.

2008-12-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

Do boys with guitars and vocal chords like to melt hearts?

And put girls across the globe in heartache pains?

Anyways...

I've hit the day of doubt.

But then i remember

The final glance

And now, i don't even know.

Often times i have come to fall-

for the way your eyes tell a story.

And then i remember

"well... look how successful that turned out to be"

I'm fine with this pace.

All i want to decide is if I'm just wasting time.

What is so amazing about this?

My mind could actually let me sleep if i wanted to.

And yes- i have had insomnia for the past week. well, haha, kinda.

- i Have had a really hard time falling asleep.

awake, alert, alive

2008-12-15T22:25:00.001-08:00

I have a dream that keeps me awake, awake.

I have a dream that keeps me alert, alert.

I have a dream that keeps me alive, alive.

And sometimes, my dreams are so beautiful

That my mind goes on overdrive by the thoughts that are generated.

An explosion of hearts.

Heads up, minds open.