Who am I?

I miss my old old friends

Even though at those moments, I didnt appreciate much

But the fact that I never see one person that I cared so much about anymore

Breaks me into bits making me say to myself

What if I saved him

... But he could only save himself

But the others, where did they go too?

People take me the wrong way, but I know that is my fault

I think I am someone that I'm not, but I don't think I'm someone that I am.

So who am I?

I used to have that stabalized group of friends that reminded me of who I was

And who I was proud to be.

There was never that bottomless feeling of nothing

But now they've dispersed and, I dont even know how I will continue

And it frightens me knowing that it may stay this way

But every inch of hope in me hopes it won't.

Every day is a constant reminder of why I wish i could sleep in through the day

Because at least dreaming can put a smile on my face

AAND... the big toss up. 

Finally the sun came

TODAY

is  a day. 

I feel as if I got the world in my hands. 

It's one of those days that gets me through the bad ones

Because I know,

I sometimes,

every once in a while,

fall asleep with a smile on my face. 

But i know the clock is ticking until all seems to fall

So I'm holding on to these moments as long as I possibly can. 

I think it might just be the changing season

WELD ME BACK TO ONE

I am breaking apart every single day

And the only way I could be fixed

is to be welded back together. 

Crazy glue doesn't last too long on this skin. 

Lately it's been me against the world

when every day I face another breaking news story.

Did you hear any of the words my breath struggled to tell you? 

Or did you think i'd forgotten my own feelings?

Obviously, love is hard to erase

Out of all people, you should know.

But I guess you are free to call me out 

on never really holding that love in my own hands

I just held it in that knotted muscle called a heart. 

So if you wanna dance to his tune

Go right ahead

But when I lay under the night sky

and I see you dancing on the stars

it will bring me down below the ground

So I can be reminded once again

that me and my best friend are polar opposites.

She's the consistent winner

Im the consistent loser. 

Dream upon mine.

I sat there in the doorway. It was winter but the breeze felt good. Her cigarette smoke rudely blew in my face, but I didn't mind. This feeling brought me back to my grandfathers house on the lake. I used to visit him in the summer. We'd sit around the table and play cards. The screen door let the wind sift into the kitchen and pass through. My grandpa would be on his 10th cigarette. Inside i'd cry because children hate to see their grandfather's getting closer to death. It's been about 5 years since my grandfather died. I haven't been to his house on the lake ever since. But I will always keep the memories, the smells, everything with me forever. Oh, what i'd do to relive those days. And now, living in my own days. And everything around me seems so worthless. Getting closer to death isn't as big as a deal. "Everyone dies someday" They say. And I think in my mind- someday might just be too soon. But what's the point of living a longer life less-lived? You picture your dream- and then you remember you have to work hard to get there. And then realize- Working hard doesn't always do you good... because there's people like me who quit upon rejection. The girl with the cigarette laughs- "Hah! Rejection? You're only 18! You have many more years to live, where you'll realize there's more to life than this. You just got to wait for people to catch up to your maturity." "Wait?" i think. "Who wants to wait! Why not live now?" My life is on minimum repeat, and something must be done. How long can a person sit there and watch life pass by because its just "Not their time". But No one wants to listen. Because I was the chosen one to be the listener. No I can not communicate well on paper but I can speak and alter peoples minds with my words of wisdom, when they are vulnerable. So I sit there drinking my coffee, listening to someone's fascinating life, as I dream upon mine. 

Work hard - get nothing.

I need to be fixed. 

Everyday a new reason comes around

to just chip another bit of me away. 

I thought I'd be all patched up

But nothings ever as planned. 

It's not a sick mind,

But my surroundings-

They keep me confined in this room

Reminding me I have this blank page so far. 

Every mans nightmare.

to be a lonely failure.

Who wants to help me complete this list?

Green = Seen it! 

Avatar
Titanic
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
The Dark Knight
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Shrek 2
Jurassic Park
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Spider-Man 3
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
Finding Nemo
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Spider-Man
Independence Day
Shrek the Third
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
The Lion King
Spider-Man 2
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
2012
The Da Vinci Code
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
The Matrix Reloaded
Up
Transformers
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Forrest Gump
The Sixth Sense
Ice Age: The Meltdown
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Kung Fu Panda
The Incredibles
Hancock
Ratatouille
The Lost World: Jurassic Park
The Passion of the Christ
Mamma Mia!
Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa
Casino Royale
War of the Worlds
Men in Black
Quantum of Solace
I Am Legend
Iron Man
Night at the Museum
Armageddon
King Kong (2005)
Mission: Impossible II
The Day After Tomorrow
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back
Madagascar
The Simpsons Movie
Monsters, Inc.
WALL·E
Terminator 2: Judgment Day
Meet the Fockers
Ghost
Aladdin
Troy
Twister
Angels & Demons
Toy Story 2
Bruce Almighty
Shrek
Saving Private Ryan
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Home Alone
Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Jaws
The Matrix
Pretty Woman
Cars
The Hangover
X-Men: The Last Stand
Mission: Impossible
Gladiator
National Treasure: Book of Secrets
The Last Samurai
300
Ocean’s Eleven
Pearl Harbor
Tarzan
The Bourne Ultimatum
Men in Black II
Mrs. Doubtfire
The Exorcist

how i feel today.

Right now I just want to run away to a forest. I want to get lost. I am so sick of my life here and every day I find no reason to wake. Every day is a constant let down of my hopefuls. I love life but I hate the fact its going no where. My life is on pause because there's just no reason to start anything new anymore... to some people that is. But I want new, I want fresh, I want something out of this routine. I want a reason to breathe and I want a reason to reach for my dreams. But everyone just seems impossible because they keep telling us, "Sorry... you wont be THAT person". Thank you self confidence for sticking to my side... not. There's no reason to be confident because anytime I'm up the next day I'm down because I was let down. My life would be just the same if i slept all day and dreamt about things that I wish would happen to me. I just want to fast forward until next year because i know nothings up for grabs in the near future. People really make me angry when one bad experience stops them from experiencing it ever again until something better comes along. 

Fester

Merry Christmas Eve. 

If only it was merry.

If only I could fill this hole. 

It's getting deeper and deeper every day

and I just want it to go away

but I know there's only one thing that could fix it.

Something that I've always wanted

but can never have. 

Not even a christmas wish can grant me this. 

So when you ask me "What's wrong?"

I'm not lying when I say I'm tired.

Because I am tired

Tired of this way I have to go through the day

Empty spaces inside. 

Rest In Peace Bobby Green.

This is so hard. I don't know what to do with myself. I miss you so much. My mind keeps running with my memory of you. It's as if you are still here. 

I love you so much Mr. Green. You have been the light of my life which lead me in the direction toward my passion. You taught me so much about life through music. I think i learned to live my life the way i do because of you. It hurts so much to know that you are not with us anymore. You were such a great friend, a mentor, and a genius. It is too unfair that you left us at such a young age. It makes me angry to think that choir will never be the same. I remember all those "Choir council meetings" that i went to. They were so much fun. Even though you bribed us to come with pizza. And i remember the silly games you made for us so we could all get to know each other more. Especially smugie or smoogi or whatever its called. The best game I have ever played. You were an angel in my life who inspired so many of my desires for my future. I remember all of the choir picnics and how excited you got for every little thing. I remember the time when we were talking about the meaning of the song we were singing in class and you accidentally made a dead grandma joke in front of a girl in our class who recently lost her grandma. I think about how terrible that was at the time and i look back and laugh. And i don't know why. I guess its because i remember how bad you felt afterwards. I remember when you always came to me to think of ideas for fun classroom stuff such as choir parties. I remember going to a holiday choir party, and only 7 people showed up, and you showed up, and we just played your favorite game- charades. And then when we played charades in the dunes... you gave drew song lyrics and he had to act out all of those tiny words and you really got a kick out of it. And then Jimmy had inglorious bastards. And i remember watching that video of you in high school singing with your a capella group. And then the video of you at a UofI game, and the camera zoomed on you while you were screaming "WERE NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONNNNEEE" ... you would have a mullet. And then i remember when you fell at the dunes. I was so scared. And i sat at the picnic table with you while you tried to comprehend what just happened. You had sand all over your face and i used my towel to brush it off. While we sat there for the ambulance to come, you seemed embarrassed, but i was thankful that I was able to sit there with you. Because while I sat there with you, I knew that this year was not going to end up ok. And i wish i could turn back time so i could spend that ten minutes sitting with you again. And then i remember the last time I felt as if i said goodbye. After we sang The Awakening at last years senior rec concert, i was crying, because it was such a beautiful song. While you were kicking everyone off the stage to go drink choir punch in the cafeteria, i looked at you and gave you a huge hug and said "thank you for everything". I look back at that moment that sticks in my mind every day, because i think that was the one and only time i will ever say goodbye. It hurts me so much to know that i wont be able to make it to your memorial service. And it makes me angry to know that you wont be here with us as we carol this year. You were so great Mr. Green. And its going to be really hard for me to let go. You were the one teacher who treated everyone as an individual. And you let everyone know that they were special in some way. I feel as if i don't belong in the top choir at fremd, but i think you put me there for a reason. Because you believed in me, even though i wasn't the typical amazing choir singer. I will find that reason for you. And I promise that. But I thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to move forth. As i sit here and reflect upon my past four years with you, I realize that i was so blessed to have an angel such as you to have touched my life. I cant even find the right words to write. So i pray, that you are looking down on us from heaven and someday i'll be able to sing in your choir once again. I will try to grasp on to all of my experiences with you for my future, because if i do, i know i will be successful. You will live in me every day. Let music never die in me. Forever let my spirit sing, where all our voices join as one to praise the giver of the song. Awake awake. Let music live. let music live. 

Let Music Live. 

Days like today where everything is going wrong

And you just want to go home

But when you go home it's just nothing better. 

And Its never just one thing at a time... 

Life can mostly be stably alright

And then suddenly all at once

The magnet of all problems turns itself on. 

Everything is going wrong. 

I only wish there was a solution to make me feel better

But there is no golden answer

To cure all this sadness. 

Tell me something good, please. 

Dear Santa...

The Snakes & Suits Ampersand Blue Hoodie is SO cute and I need a new hoodie for this cold weather. Size wise- I'd like a medium or large. Cozy... mmm

The Muk Luks Women's Lace Back Boots are a favorite of mine because they are so cute and look really warm! and they are black and white so it can match a majority of my outfits. And these are affordable!

The Zuiko Digital ED 12-60mm lens for my Olympus camera. I would be a happy camper with this, because it would enhance my photography :)

This Crosley Archiver record player has built in speakers, and also has a CD player AND a casette player. AND a radio. This is expensive but its for a good cause!

******** I want these Minnetonka Fringe Boots desperately... they are muy expensive too. :( BUT IF I GOT THEM, I REALLY WOULD WEAR THEM EVERY DAY!

More to come

Soon you will be mine

Be Prepared to rock around the christmas tree with this baby! 

Drifting to Dream

And when I dream

I wont wake up

I need to see how this ends

Cause sometimes life is a little bit

Harder

To perfectly mend

But when I'm awake

I trust I can 

Take your hand

And see it clearly

This life was meant to be

Pace

I wonder if the world can run on a slow pace

because its risky taking the big leap

from imagination to reality. 

The biggest dilemma of our lives. 

Susannah

Why is it that this year, so much has happened? 2009  was an unforgettable year. which makes me scared for what's yet to come within this last month. 

To Susannah Kist-

I am praying for you. You were such a great woman. It is incredible how much I look back on all the classes I took from you, and how it helped form me transform into being the person I am today. The first biggest lesson I ever learned for the stage was from you. And I will never forget it. The way you taught, showed me that theatre is fun and all about what YOU as an actor put into it. Just look at how many stars you have trained! And your sweet and caring personality was just the most inspiring trait to learn from. I will never forget your smile and the way you loved all. Thank you for all you have done. God will keep you safe in his arms. 

the obstacle of my life.

I'm scared because I've never been in love before. 

All these years i've been holding back so heartbreak couldn't potentially be the death of me, 

as it once was before. 

But through all these years, you have been in the corner of my mind tangled up in the cobwebs along with memories that have been forgotten since their day. 

And now I'm left with a wide open door 

I am free to take chances

but I can't tell which side the light is shining through. 

Is it worth the risk to walk on the other side? 

because I'm too familiar with the mirages my mind has always made up.

And this is simply the obstacle of my life. 

God, please take my hand and show me what I've been so scared to do. 

Me and Taylor Swift have great minds that think alike. 

A few minutes ago I thought to myself, "Why cant you see that you belong with me." 

Crazy right? 

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, She's upset
She's going off about something that you said
She doesnt get your humour like I do

I'm in the room, its a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesnt like
And she'll never know your story like I do

But she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find
That what you're lookin for has been here the whole time

If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

Where were you?

If I were to follow this advice

The truth is

I'd have no one. 

No matter how much you think I'm dumb for having legit feelings

And no matter how many times you think your perfect

And that "you do nothing wrong at all"

I still have feelings. Your actions speak louder than words..

Well I guess thats the only way possible to put it

Since you decided not to give me words. 

Sometime God can show you strange things

Such as seeing what you thought as your best friend

As your worst

And your worst friend

As your best

I

Am

Done.

Lean on me

When your not strong

I'll be your friend

Someone to carry on

(Which is what i gave to you)

For, It wont be long

Till I'm gonna need

Somebody to lean on. 

(Way to be there.)

I know you think I'm "OVERREACTING"

Because you think this happened just once

But I don't have as many fingers

to count all the times

Where I needed somebody to lean on.

Where were you?

I wonder how differently i would look if tried and worked out to look like a supermodel..... New goal possibly? :D 

Since I have no life now, and I got a new membership to the gym.. all I need is a car and then I believe it's possible. 

And my prize would be the look on your face.