Found out today

That someone has the same guilty pleasure :)

I've realized that i love it so much,

Just sitting there with a best friend

Talking.

About life and what its about

Every thing that we wonder

Everything that we dream.

Words not to exit like a waterfall

But like rain fall, just a little at a time. 

It makes it even better knowing that you don't know everything

And that there's much yet to learn. 

It just makes me excited for tomorrow. 

Frrrrrriday

I was with Jessica and Taylor tonight for about an hour. it was the best night of my whole week. i haven't seen them in a while, and it just reminded me of why i love my life. infinite laughs about things that don't matter to most people. iloveitiloveitiloveit. they are thee best. 

Had a long rehearsal today but it was so much fun. i don't know how many times i can say this, but i love the cast. Anyone who reads this blog should go see the show. It is october 29, 30, 31, and nov. 1st. So take off work take off everything. i would love to have my friends come and support me :) 

And yesssss. it is FINALLY the weekend. sleeping in tomorrow! i am so excited. i love dreaming. :)

what is the future..?

So yesterday i went to medieval times to learn about the careers there. and it was during school so it was all good. :) Haven't been on a field trip in a long time! When i was there i decided that i want to work there, because everyone who works there loves their job, and i just think it would be a much better environment than working at oberweis, where everyone there hates that job. 

But speaking of careers I have to say that i am so frightened. I haven't gained interest into anything but being involved in the arts. I know my passion is video and performing, but i just don't see myself in the stepping stones to build up to that. I feel like everyone around me just knows so much more than me and Im just a n00b. My plan for my future is nothing too big. i mean i think i would be happy living in a small apartment going to concerts and making movies on my free time. And then photography here and there... just living the life of an artist. And also living the life having the greatest friends around me. as someone once said to me, i want to live my life making other peoples lives. If i make them happy, then that would just make my day. Im not looking for a glamourous life or anything. Just one where i feel happiness within what i do and who i am. I just hope i can finally put a start into this someday, but i don't know where to start. 

change=change

So today in blogging, i am going to be straight out honest and not try to hide anything. 

So there is this mentally challenged kid in my gym class. And today, he told me that he was bi-sexual. I was so impressed by his open-ness about it. It gave me a lot of thoughts, because it really just shows that mentally challenged people know about things, and they have feelings. Not in a mean way, but it actually is such a pain to have him in my class, because every day I have to watch him be the one student with no "partner" or "group". Watching every other student in the class having the immaturity of running from him as he walks towards them. No one in our class has the light in them to stand up and offer to be his partner. I do have to admit though, that I am a bit frightened by him because he always uses threats with violence to express his feelings. And he tends to physically touch me and "poke" me as a joke. But i know he doesn't mean it in a harmful way. 

My friend told me today, that there is a lot of change going on in her life, and she doesn't think she can deal with it. It only made me realize how much things change, and how fast they change too. I have been going through so much change since 6th grade from moving all over the place and dealing with a whole new lifestyle, and i think that taught me the hard way, that you just have to accept that change and only make good out of it. I also sort of thought about it, and change = change. (the piggy bank kind of change) because at first you look at your pile of pennies and think, "Oh, well, i'll get nothing out of this" and once you bring it to the bank you only realize as you hear the clunking of the coins falling through the coin king, that all of your change has turned into one big result, and a good result at that. surprisingly 100 dollars! all in change..... If i can remember this correctly, the last time i experienced a sudden change that i did not like at all, it took me only about 3 hours to get over it. And i am so proud of myself at that. After about three hours i looked at the other doors that were open.

And i seriously love being in the school musical. I have never had so much fun at practice before. Every thing is just so good lately. and i think is because i have accepted change, and opened more space to let more good in. 

The cave of WONDERS Wonders wonders

Last night working until mid-november! yessss. i am freeeee. well sort of... except for the fact that I have musical practice every day. But thats fun :)

There's no better feeling than realizing that there's someone that you can possibly have at thing for. Because it's the beginning, and knowing that soon you will learn about a whole new persons life, is just an interesting feeling. it leaves you wondering while you drive in silence, or lay in bed at night. Cause thats just the person i am. i am so full of wonder and hope, and i am kind of.... ruthless. Although i never even get my way when it comes to dating, i still hope. and i still wonder, and i never give up. i hope that ends up being a good thing. I actually am extremely proud of myself for getting over things quickly. Because i have realized there's no time to be sad in your life. 

Although i still sometimes have bad traumatizing memories... that i cant get rid of. And it only seems to be getting worse and worse. and i cant even help that thought. it even gets to the point where I'm scared to look out the drive through window, because i feel there might be a small chance that he pulls through. I just never want to see his face again. 

 

Move Along

I really had one full day today. Getting up early feels so good, but its such a pain to do it. 

I actually spent time with my mom again today. it's making me happy that she now wants to suddenly spend time with me. i think its because my other two sisters are gone... she finally realized that i exist maybe? hmm idontknow... but anyway... after 3 days of going to the mall i suddenly have gotten into fashion. and i am in love with urban outfitters, but it sucks because it is sooo freaking expensive! and speaking of how i have no money, today i was expecting a 200 dollar paycheck because i have been working so much lately... but no it was 120... yeah thats a lot, but i feel like the work i have done lately deserves more. i'd get paid more money mowing the lawn once a week for a month. and that takes up what.... 3 hours a month? hmm and here i have this dream of getting a camera that costs about 1000 dollars. and now, i doubt it will ever happen. I sometimes wonder if im not gonna make in in my career as someone in the film business, because i have no experience making movies. but its hard when you don't have the equipment to do it :(. But it is sure one lifestyle i would love living. 

Tonight I watched the movie "What happens in vegas" and i am so glad i watched it. i have been craving a romantic chick flick for the longest time. It just makes me dream more, but again... that is the thing i need to do lessssss. i still am not doubting myself on somethings that need to be doubted, but its every night when i close my eyes and get into dreams that give me hope. and its listening to songs i could connect to, feeling that maybe the road will turn. everything always comes off as a "rebound" lately, because i never hit the bulls eye. I have never been good at darts. i always hit the wall. I know that i need more practice to even get on the board, but what if i just want to skip the whole practice part and head straight towards the expert level, because the path just looks so wonderful. Like the light peeking through the curtains. It looks as it is shimmering with light. and you just wish to touch it or stand in it, but when you do, all you really can see then is that its just dust, floating around, shining in the light. 

so move along one step at a time... 

you will get there one day....

This just proves...

Went to the mall with Jess today, and we decided in our 20's were going to be bums who live in apartments... and live the good life :) We gonn be roommates! :D. Ah so i hate thinking about how my 3 best friends are all moving away to college next year. I Don't know what I am going to do :(.

I've got so much love in me for my besties. 

Okay so i know you read this, so let me just put it out on here...

This just proves that your weak, and I'm strong

This just proves that you didn't change, and never will...

My time has been wasted, and i actually tried to change it all

But you just give no effort... 

Saying you have given effort doesn't mean you did... 

Nothing else is better than proving yourself.

And when i say "Effort"... it's a different kind of effort than you think.

Do you think there's a reason why people don't keep up with you?

Or do you think that every one else is crazy and a "bad person".

Do you HONESTLY think we sit around and "Plot your doom"?

Maybe we don't give effort because there are better things to do,

Then sit around with a friend who wont accept you for who you are

Or just listening to you complaining about your life

It's a waste of time to sit there and watch you be angry and silent, 

because you heard a name. 

Thats what hanging out with you has turned to be, 

because my face reminds you of someone you cant handle thinking about.

I refuse to get in the middle of things, so you give me the silent treatment. 

It's like your expecting me to dig it out of you when you don't want to talk about things.

Okay yeah sure everyone wants attention... but when i don't give you any...

You decide it's so necessary to give me cold looks while passing by.

And then just knowing later you can apologize on how you've been "So stupid"

I'd rather be with friends who look past the stupid stuff and look at real life.

I am living the real life, and the real life is good. 

I feel real love, and I'm sure it feels me too. 

I'm not cold hearted enough to "End" anything..

But since you found this blog

without me even telling you about it...

(Maybe you should stop calling others "creepy".)

You will probably call me out on this... and end it yourself. 

whatever. 

I'm at no loss anymore...

as i said... your anger and issues with me are dead to me now. 

Stop acting like a seventh grader by getting mad at the dumbest things.