how i feel today.

Right now I just want to run away to a forest. I want to get lost. I am so sick of my life here and every day I find no reason to wake. Every day is a constant let down of my hopefuls. I love life but I hate the fact its going no where. My life is on pause because there's just no reason to start anything new anymore... to some people that is. But I want new, I want fresh, I want something out of this routine. I want a reason to breathe and I want a reason to reach for my dreams. But everyone just seems impossible because they keep telling us, "Sorry... you wont be THAT person". Thank you self confidence for sticking to my side... not. There's no reason to be confident because anytime I'm up the next day I'm down because I was let down. My life would be just the same if i slept all day and dreamt about things that I wish would happen to me. I just want to fast forward until next year because i know nothings up for grabs in the near future. People really make me angry when one bad experience stops them from experiencing it ever again until something better comes along. 

Fester

Merry Christmas Eve. 

If only it was merry.

If only I could fill this hole. 

It's getting deeper and deeper every day

and I just want it to go away

but I know there's only one thing that could fix it.

Something that I've always wanted

but can never have. 

Not even a christmas wish can grant me this. 

So when you ask me "What's wrong?"

I'm not lying when I say I'm tired.

Because I am tired

Tired of this way I have to go through the day

Empty spaces inside. 

Rest In Peace Bobby Green.

This is so hard. I don't know what to do with myself. I miss you so much. My mind keeps running with my memory of you. It's as if you are still here. 

I love you so much Mr. Green. You have been the light of my life which lead me in the direction toward my passion. You taught me so much about life through music. I think i learned to live my life the way i do because of you. It hurts so much to know that you are not with us anymore. You were such a great friend, a mentor, and a genius. It is too unfair that you left us at such a young age. It makes me angry to think that choir will never be the same. I remember all those "Choir council meetings" that i went to. They were so much fun. Even though you bribed us to come with pizza. And i remember the silly games you made for us so we could all get to know each other more. Especially smugie or smoogi or whatever its called. The best game I have ever played. You were an angel in my life who inspired so many of my desires for my future. I remember all of the choir picnics and how excited you got for every little thing. I remember the time when we were talking about the meaning of the song we were singing in class and you accidentally made a dead grandma joke in front of a girl in our class who recently lost her grandma. I think about how terrible that was at the time and i look back and laugh. And i don't know why. I guess its because i remember how bad you felt afterwards. I remember when you always came to me to think of ideas for fun classroom stuff such as choir parties. I remember going to a holiday choir party, and only 7 people showed up, and you showed up, and we just played your favorite game- charades. And then when we played charades in the dunes... you gave drew song lyrics and he had to act out all of those tiny words and you really got a kick out of it. And then Jimmy had inglorious bastards. And i remember watching that video of you in high school singing with your a capella group. And then the video of you at a UofI game, and the camera zoomed on you while you were screaming "WERE NUMBER ONE! NUMBER ONNNNEEE" ... you would have a mullet. And then i remember when you fell at the dunes. I was so scared. And i sat at the picnic table with you while you tried to comprehend what just happened. You had sand all over your face and i used my towel to brush it off. While we sat there for the ambulance to come, you seemed embarrassed, but i was thankful that I was able to sit there with you. Because while I sat there with you, I knew that this year was not going to end up ok. And i wish i could turn back time so i could spend that ten minutes sitting with you again. And then i remember the last time I felt as if i said goodbye. After we sang The Awakening at last years senior rec concert, i was crying, because it was such a beautiful song. While you were kicking everyone off the stage to go drink choir punch in the cafeteria, i looked at you and gave you a huge hug and said "thank you for everything". I look back at that moment that sticks in my mind every day, because i think that was the one and only time i will ever say goodbye. It hurts me so much to know that i wont be able to make it to your memorial service. And it makes me angry to know that you wont be here with us as we carol this year. You were so great Mr. Green. And its going to be really hard for me to let go. You were the one teacher who treated everyone as an individual. And you let everyone know that they were special in some way. I feel as if i don't belong in the top choir at fremd, but i think you put me there for a reason. Because you believed in me, even though i wasn't the typical amazing choir singer. I will find that reason for you. And I promise that. But I thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to move forth. As i sit here and reflect upon my past four years with you, I realize that i was so blessed to have an angel such as you to have touched my life. I cant even find the right words to write. So i pray, that you are looking down on us from heaven and someday i'll be able to sing in your choir once again. I will try to grasp on to all of my experiences with you for my future, because if i do, i know i will be successful. You will live in me every day. Let music never die in me. Forever let my spirit sing, where all our voices join as one to praise the giver of the song. Awake awake. Let music live. let music live. 

Let Music Live. 

Days like today where everything is going wrong

And you just want to go home

But when you go home it's just nothing better. 

And Its never just one thing at a time... 

Life can mostly be stably alright

And then suddenly all at once

The magnet of all problems turns itself on. 

Everything is going wrong. 

I only wish there was a solution to make me feel better

But there is no golden answer

To cure all this sadness. 

Tell me something good, please. 

Dear Santa...

The Snakes & Suits Ampersand Blue Hoodie is SO cute and I need a new hoodie for this cold weather. Size wise- I'd like a medium or large. Cozy... mmm

The Muk Luks Women's Lace Back Boots are a favorite of mine because they are so cute and look really warm! and they are black and white so it can match a majority of my outfits. And these are affordable!

The Zuiko Digital ED 12-60mm lens for my Olympus camera. I would be a happy camper with this, because it would enhance my photography :)

This Crosley Archiver record player has built in speakers, and also has a CD player AND a casette player. AND a radio. This is expensive but its for a good cause!

******** I want these Minnetonka Fringe Boots desperately... they are muy expensive too. :( BUT IF I GOT THEM, I REALLY WOULD WEAR THEM EVERY DAY!

More to come

Soon you will be mine

Be Prepared to rock around the christmas tree with this baby! 

Drifting to Dream

And when I dream

I wont wake up

I need to see how this ends

Cause sometimes life is a little bit

Harder

To perfectly mend

But when I'm awake

I trust I can 

Take your hand

And see it clearly

This life was meant to be