"I need to go jump into more streams."

Sometimes i wish i could just make my own mistakes, and learn from them myself. I think when you do so, you learn much more about yourself, and your life has more depth. I just realized that I really haven't cried in a long time... And through that non-existent experience, my life feels so shallow. It's missing the depth and inspiration i am striving for. The only thing i can think of on the top of my mind that stresses me out... is whether i can be able to wake myself up in the morning due to my laziness. And now i wonder... is it healthy living a life thats always uplifting? I feel so immune to negative feelings because I've been practicing optimism for a long time, and I'm used to the negative things that repeat in my life every so often. I need to reach out for a much crazier life i feel. I feel i am way too responsible that i haven't been able to reach for the new undiscovered aspects in life... I guess it's cause i feel fright when its the moment in life where you can take a leap across a stream to get to the other side. Its always the fear of, "what if i don't make it"... Well what would happen... You jump, fall in, land in water, and your life turns into a brand new unexpected path... I need to go jump into more streams. 

The best thing i've learned so far from writers week is:

Live for the awkward moments. 

Yes I Just Know

This

Is a new feeling.

The kind of feeling you get

When you see the peaking of light

Through a cracked open door

A door where on the other side

You know, is a beautiful day. 

It's the emotion 

that makes you feel

Colors.

No not your regular 

ROYGBIV colors

But COLORS

That exist

Beyond what the human eye can see

Beyond what the human heart can feel

Beyond what the human mind can think

This all began at a moment

A moment where

The human eye froze

The human heart stopped

And the human mind... blank

A Time where your life falls off the broken tracks

Over a canyon that has no end

Your falling

falling

falling

BAM

You seem to hit reality again

But your human eyes are seeking

and your human heart is beating

and your human mind... is rambling

Rambling foreign tongues 

That don't even translate

Into your own known knowledge

But you do know

You know one thing

I 

Can

Feel

and I know.

Yes.

I 

Just

Know.

Mary Fons

So our school had a kickoff to writers week this week, with the first act as Mary Fons. She is quite a wonderful woman. i don't know why she isn't worldwide famous yet. Her style and passion for what she does is exquisite and i think our school is so lucky to have her perform every year. Despite her recent illness she still rocked the show, and even showed her spunky courage, by sharing with us everything about her surgery and her low time of her life. She really shared so many important lessons that will probably stick with me throughout life. Such as the fact that she just went through a life TRAUMA, and still she can hold her head high and say, "I'm gonna make something out of this. I'm going to tell the world about my disease, not so they can feel bad for me, but so they can experience what it means to write, and express yourselves through words and actions". Okay well she didn't actually say that... but if i were to speak for her in this situation... thats what i would say. It is so terrific that she has no boundaries and she seems like a great girl with a great personality, and a very happy life. Another thing she taught me was that there are so many things you can do with writing. And you don't need guidelines to how and what your going to write. You don't need to write necessarily for anyone.... you have all the freedom in the world that you can write for yourself. And since she said, writing just takes a lot of practice... but once you start writing every day, you get better and better and better at it. She pretty much inspired me to start writing even more. (Although i already blog a ton)... So let me tell you... if you are bored and sitting on your ass looking for life inspiration... google/youtube her and just read/watch her stuff. She's a great woman. 

And were done now.

starting fresh.

Open water.

Can't wait to follow the wind 

and see where it takes me.

Lets try a Fate ride.

Once again

It's a no. 

These are one of those days where i sit outside in the nice weather i've been waiting for for so long. I can just picture it... sitting outside in ten years at my apartment in the city. Sitting on the front stoop steps sipping a hot cup of coffee listening to music watching the city people pass by and go on with their living, or even entering the venue that would be right across the street. And Then i'd also be i-chatting with a friend while painting a picture or sketching. oh yeah and one more thing... i would be wearing a SNUGGY! ... no i am totally just kidding. but that would be intrestingly sweet. 

Okay well here mike wickman is driving into my street... okay he just passed my house. bye mike. okay anway. 

So the sun is slowly setting and my house lights are turning on. The temperature is dropping and i am debating whether based on the weather if i should go inside or stay out. I love the smell of spring. but hah. funny... the last time i checked february was considered winter.... hmm

Life decision.

I will only marry a man who can rock a Fedora well. 

I'm hot and I'm cold.

I'm listening to the Starbucks valentines day soundtrack Cd. Its wonderful. Its mixed with modern and classic music. And so now I'm thinking about valentines day. :(. well. no. actually I'm not that sad. I guess I'm just a bit disappointed because a month ago i thought this might be the first valentines day i would actually spend with someone. But i guess not. Maybe I'll just go see State and Madison that night... I Don't know. Im just so confused with what i want to do right now. I'm hot and I'm cold, I'm yes and I'm no, I'm in and I'm out, I'm up and I'm down. My mind is changing every day... better yet... my mind is changing every hour. I just wish i could maybe have the nerve to pick up the phone and just make a silly little phone call... but everyone knows life is not like the movies. People aren't as understanding. People aren't that nice... Its funny how looking at everyone around, it looks so easy. But i never once has witnessed this situation in an easy way... and I never get my way. I'm not one to complain... but I just don't know what i want now. I don't want anything, yet, i want something. someone explain to me my feelings. You see... this is why i watch lost... it gets my mind off from scrambling these stupid thoughts around. 

beginnings

Somehow my tea turned inta wine

Memoir of our breaths whom intertwine

You really know how to rock a lock

yeah you really know how to rock a lock

carbon flows constant 

keeping minds sane

we only feel chill

and the children are tame

come lie with me

dont lie to me

were only winning this game 

which throws kids meerly insane

i sometimes wish i could go to england over the summer and comeback with an accent... so i could have a good excuse of why i speak in a british accent. 

I am really annoyed of this progress... things shouldn't take this long. and that is why i should give up. but something is keeping my hang by, by a string