Found out today

That someone has the same guilty pleasure :)

I've realized that i love it so much,

Just sitting there with a best friend

Talking.

About life and what its about

Every thing that we wonder

Everything that we dream.

Words not to exit like a waterfall

But like rain fall, just a little at a time. 

It makes it even better knowing that you don't know everything

And that there's much yet to learn. 

It just makes me excited for tomorrow. 

Frrrrrriday

I was with Jessica and Taylor tonight for about an hour. it was the best night of my whole week. i haven't seen them in a while, and it just reminded me of why i love my life. infinite laughs about things that don't matter to most people. iloveitiloveitiloveit. they are thee best. 

Had a long rehearsal today but it was so much fun. i don't know how many times i can say this, but i love the cast. Anyone who reads this blog should go see the show. It is october 29, 30, 31, and nov. 1st. So take off work take off everything. i would love to have my friends come and support me :) 

And yesssss. it is FINALLY the weekend. sleeping in tomorrow! i am so excited. i love dreaming. :)

what is the future..?

So yesterday i went to medieval times to learn about the careers there. and it was during school so it was all good. :) Haven't been on a field trip in a long time! When i was there i decided that i want to work there, because everyone who works there loves their job, and i just think it would be a much better environment than working at oberweis, where everyone there hates that job. 

But speaking of careers I have to say that i am so frightened. I haven't gained interest into anything but being involved in the arts. I know my passion is video and performing, but i just don't see myself in the stepping stones to build up to that. I feel like everyone around me just knows so much more than me and Im just a n00b. My plan for my future is nothing too big. i mean i think i would be happy living in a small apartment going to concerts and making movies on my free time. And then photography here and there... just living the life of an artist. And also living the life having the greatest friends around me. as someone once said to me, i want to live my life making other peoples lives. If i make them happy, then that would just make my day. Im not looking for a glamourous life or anything. Just one where i feel happiness within what i do and who i am. I just hope i can finally put a start into this someday, but i don't know where to start. 

change=change

So today in blogging, i am going to be straight out honest and not try to hide anything. 

So there is this mentally challenged kid in my gym class. And today, he told me that he was bi-sexual. I was so impressed by his open-ness about it. It gave me a lot of thoughts, because it really just shows that mentally challenged people know about things, and they have feelings. Not in a mean way, but it actually is such a pain to have him in my class, because every day I have to watch him be the one student with no "partner" or "group". Watching every other student in the class having the immaturity of running from him as he walks towards them. No one in our class has the light in them to stand up and offer to be his partner. I do have to admit though, that I am a bit frightened by him because he always uses threats with violence to express his feelings. And he tends to physically touch me and "poke" me as a joke. But i know he doesn't mean it in a harmful way. 

My friend told me today, that there is a lot of change going on in her life, and she doesn't think she can deal with it. It only made me realize how much things change, and how fast they change too. I have been going through so much change since 6th grade from moving all over the place and dealing with a whole new lifestyle, and i think that taught me the hard way, that you just have to accept that change and only make good out of it. I also sort of thought about it, and change = change. (the piggy bank kind of change) because at first you look at your pile of pennies and think, "Oh, well, i'll get nothing out of this" and once you bring it to the bank you only realize as you hear the clunking of the coins falling through the coin king, that all of your change has turned into one big result, and a good result at that. surprisingly 100 dollars! all in change..... If i can remember this correctly, the last time i experienced a sudden change that i did not like at all, it took me only about 3 hours to get over it. And i am so proud of myself at that. After about three hours i looked at the other doors that were open.

And i seriously love being in the school musical. I have never had so much fun at practice before. Every thing is just so good lately. and i think is because i have accepted change, and opened more space to let more good in. 

The cave of WONDERS Wonders wonders

Last night working until mid-november! yessss. i am freeeee. well sort of... except for the fact that I have musical practice every day. But thats fun :)

There's no better feeling than realizing that there's someone that you can possibly have at thing for. Because it's the beginning, and knowing that soon you will learn about a whole new persons life, is just an interesting feeling. it leaves you wondering while you drive in silence, or lay in bed at night. Cause thats just the person i am. i am so full of wonder and hope, and i am kind of.... ruthless. Although i never even get my way when it comes to dating, i still hope. and i still wonder, and i never give up. i hope that ends up being a good thing. I actually am extremely proud of myself for getting over things quickly. Because i have realized there's no time to be sad in your life. 

Although i still sometimes have bad traumatizing memories... that i cant get rid of. And it only seems to be getting worse and worse. and i cant even help that thought. it even gets to the point where I'm scared to look out the drive through window, because i feel there might be a small chance that he pulls through. I just never want to see his face again. 

 

Move Along

I really had one full day today. Getting up early feels so good, but its such a pain to do it. 

I actually spent time with my mom again today. it's making me happy that she now wants to suddenly spend time with me. i think its because my other two sisters are gone... she finally realized that i exist maybe? hmm idontknow... but anyway... after 3 days of going to the mall i suddenly have gotten into fashion. and i am in love with urban outfitters, but it sucks because it is sooo freaking expensive! and speaking of how i have no money, today i was expecting a 200 dollar paycheck because i have been working so much lately... but no it was 120... yeah thats a lot, but i feel like the work i have done lately deserves more. i'd get paid more money mowing the lawn once a week for a month. and that takes up what.... 3 hours a month? hmm and here i have this dream of getting a camera that costs about 1000 dollars. and now, i doubt it will ever happen. I sometimes wonder if im not gonna make in in my career as someone in the film business, because i have no experience making movies. but its hard when you don't have the equipment to do it :(. But it is sure one lifestyle i would love living. 

Tonight I watched the movie "What happens in vegas" and i am so glad i watched it. i have been craving a romantic chick flick for the longest time. It just makes me dream more, but again... that is the thing i need to do lessssss. i still am not doubting myself on somethings that need to be doubted, but its every night when i close my eyes and get into dreams that give me hope. and its listening to songs i could connect to, feeling that maybe the road will turn. everything always comes off as a "rebound" lately, because i never hit the bulls eye. I have never been good at darts. i always hit the wall. I know that i need more practice to even get on the board, but what if i just want to skip the whole practice part and head straight towards the expert level, because the path just looks so wonderful. Like the light peeking through the curtains. It looks as it is shimmering with light. and you just wish to touch it or stand in it, but when you do, all you really can see then is that its just dust, floating around, shining in the light. 

so move along one step at a time... 

you will get there one day....

This just proves...

Went to the mall with Jess today, and we decided in our 20's were going to be bums who live in apartments... and live the good life :) We gonn be roommates! :D. Ah so i hate thinking about how my 3 best friends are all moving away to college next year. I Don't know what I am going to do :(.

I've got so much love in me for my besties. 

Okay so i know you read this, so let me just put it out on here...

This just proves that your weak, and I'm strong

This just proves that you didn't change, and never will...

My time has been wasted, and i actually tried to change it all

But you just give no effort... 

Saying you have given effort doesn't mean you did... 

Nothing else is better than proving yourself.

And when i say "Effort"... it's a different kind of effort than you think.

Do you think there's a reason why people don't keep up with you?

Or do you think that every one else is crazy and a "bad person".

Do you HONESTLY think we sit around and "Plot your doom"?

Maybe we don't give effort because there are better things to do,

Then sit around with a friend who wont accept you for who you are

Or just listening to you complaining about your life

It's a waste of time to sit there and watch you be angry and silent, 

because you heard a name. 

Thats what hanging out with you has turned to be, 

because my face reminds you of someone you cant handle thinking about.

I refuse to get in the middle of things, so you give me the silent treatment. 

It's like your expecting me to dig it out of you when you don't want to talk about things.

Okay yeah sure everyone wants attention... but when i don't give you any...

You decide it's so necessary to give me cold looks while passing by.

And then just knowing later you can apologize on how you've been "So stupid"

I'd rather be with friends who look past the stupid stuff and look at real life.

I am living the real life, and the real life is good. 

I feel real love, and I'm sure it feels me too. 

I'm not cold hearted enough to "End" anything..

But since you found this blog

without me even telling you about it...

(Maybe you should stop calling others "creepy".)

You will probably call me out on this... and end it yourself. 

whatever. 

I'm at no loss anymore...

as i said... your anger and issues with me are dead to me now. 

Stop acting like a seventh grader by getting mad at the dumbest things. 

Whipped cream fights and everything shakes!

I love my Job! It weirdly was the one day that i was scared to come into the store because the district manager came today to grade us all on our performance, and knowing how i suck at everything there, i probably would've gotten fired... but luckily he left RIGHT before i came :). The manager wasn't there today so it was just fun fun fun. 

We play this game called "Hide the spoon". its like hot and cold... and it makes time pass quickly.

And then while we were closing, I had a whipped cream fight with my friend mike. it was crazy and now i have whipped cream in my hair. i need to shower. badly. Ah and we also made shakes with every single food item in the store... except for pineapple and espresso, because then it would just be pukeish. but every flavor icecream and every topping. it was um... delicious. i took about hmmm 3 sips and almost threw up. and then we offered it to some pretty cool customers in drive thru. and they actually tried it. hah the guy had to get out of his car to spit it out, but it was just hilarious. since we slacked so bad the whole day we had to stay a whole extra hour to get everything cleaned up :/. but otherwise... it was good

.I love my life.

And even though someone decided to get angry with me again for nooo reason at all today.. i can honestly say I don't care. I've learned a new life of not getting upset at things, because there is  a plus side to even the worst things in the world. and since one of my old friends just needs that constant anger in her life, it'd just be best for this one time to just not care. It's worthless anger that doesn't need to be. so basically, i don't care. and I'm not gonna try to make you un-angry at me, because there is no reason. This problem is dead to me now. I'm way past high school "drama"... drama doesn't even exist... its a state of mind. 

One last thing... Mike's German exchange student arrived today! I am so excited because i LOVE foreign kids. And me and mike made many awesome plans. :)

From the Passenger's Seat

By Deathcab for Cutie

"I roll the window down

And then begin to breathe in

The darkest country road

And the strong scent of evergreen

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards

I strain my eyes and try

To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites

From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"Do they collide?"

I ask and you smile.

With my feet on the dash

The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride

When you need directions then I'll be the guide

For all time.

For all time."

Really, read these lyrics and think about the meaning of it. I discovered a few different ways it can be interperated. And it just gives me such a good feeling just thinking about it. 

Lately i have been having extremely good conversations with people. Something i was sure lacking lately. I sort of forgot about how good of a listener i always was to my friends, but because things have shfted apart... there was no need for listening anymore. It even amazes myself how much i love hearing about people's lives. Especially with the ones i love. I can just feel that inner bond that i have with the person after a good conversation. So i guess because i have always listened to different people and the way they feel... the way their lives run, and how it's so different from mine... i think thats what formed me to not judge people. This song really inspires me to the life i feel while listening to people. I really appreciate the darkest country road i breathe in while having a good conversation. and the time spent with people, even if its just driving in the car. It brings me back to one particular day where i was in the passengers seat driving around in chicago. i can still imagine the cool night breeze passing through my hair. It dosn't get any better than that. 

DEFF A HAPP BIRTH!

Wow was i wrong when i was thinking my birthday was gonna suck. I ended up having one of the best days of my life! So summary of the day: My dad made me breakfast :) yayy! and then at school people wished me a happy birthday which is always fun! I felt bad though because i didn't hear half the people saying it to me because of my dumb cold. It made me deaf. Two classes sang happy birthday to me today, which was prettttty awesome. I got a gift from my friend katie, that had a totally awesome quote that defines us. It says, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." -C.S. Lewis -- And she also got be a box of candles. My favorite! Thennnn later in the day me and matty had a really deep conversation, which was totally awesome. He my beft fend. =]. When i got home today, i was actually very upset. I called into work to see if anything could be done, where I could just not go into work on friday... but my boss said "no we need everyone we can." so I was a little sad that I now have to miss the dimmn show this friday. Then i got into thought that this week was going to suck, because there was no days at all that i would be able to celebrate my birthday, because I'm working every single day! To get things off of my mind, i left to go visit the practice going on for musical. For some reason just walking into that room with the cast just made me feel like home. It made me so happy to just walk in and see everyones bright faces ... soon after, my mom came home and ended up cheering me up, and took me out to dinner. It was a bit weird because me and my mom don't exactly have a "close" relationship at all... On the car ride there, we didn't say a word. But I appreciated the fact that she wanted to take me to dinner :). Surprisingly, we actually had some really good conversations. Then afterwards, she decided to take me shopping for a bit :) I got a totally awesome Hoodie that I'm in love with. It was a great birthday present :). On the drive home, my cousin called me and begged me to stop at Taylor's house just for a few minutes and so i did. And WOW. Words can not even explain how happy i was when i walked into her house. There were lights all set up and decorations. It looked like my BESTIESST friends Jessica and Taylor worked really hard on making my birthday awesome. On her counter was a set of presents and a cookie cake :) yummmm. When we got there it was CRAZY because we were just all shouting with excitement the whole time, (and also we were in a hurry because i had to leave for work soon). The pizza man came and when i opened the door i was shouting some more "OHHH MY GOOODD HIIII!" at the pizza boy, which happened to be Eldridge, my senior friend from freshman year!!! so that was VERY exciting. Afterwards me and christina opened our gifts and WOWEE they know me well. they got me EXACTLY what i wanted. =]!!! i could say, that i really was intoxicated with excitement. My other bestie, Dan, then came over and i saw him for a few minutes, but then sadly I had to leave =[. I ended up going to work a half hour late. I walked in as I was dressing, and wore flip flops, no name tag, shirt not tucked in, and hair down. Thank god it was the shift leader because I was able to have some time to get more "professional" looking. IT was just one crazy night. And then all the people i LOVE at work, were working there today. So it was just a ton of excitement and laughs!! Jess Taylor Dan and Christina then came in to visit me and so did my grandma, aunt, and cousin. It was great!!! Later through the night, one person was allowed to leave (because we were soooo slow!) so since it was my birthday, i was able to go. Woo! So i headed off to hang out with the crew. We went to jewel and walked around, and then suddenly from afar, i saw Stef, Carly, and Kaitlin walking out with HUGEEE Balloons! And then later found out that they ended up walking into oberweis to surprise me with them, but i wasn't there! ... how embarrassing. So then they ended up driving to my house and such to look for me. Finalllllly i met up with them! And they all came out and gave me huge hugs and huge balloons. It was great to see my other best friends too on the same night! I drove Carly homee and she gave me a movie of pictures she put together, which is the besssst gift everrr!!! but sadly, it didn't work on my mac :( so we have to get that figured out. 

Everyone in my life that is important to me, spent their time to make today special, and i appreciate it SOO MUCH! Thank you ALLLL!!! oh and a great way to end off this day, was a special voicemail left to me from mike and william. :) shabanks guys.. your the best! it made me laugh soooo hard. Well... What a wonderful day it was. And i hope i can remember every second of it!!

AMERICANNN STUDIES WITH MATTY

Soooo Its muh birthdayyy. And I am sitting in the computer lab with Matttt. We're in american studies. We are supposed to be working on a webquest but we decided to post a blogg. Boo Puratins!

This is matt. Happy bday alana. YO8ur amazing and every guys wants you!!!!!! This friday you will have sex with *******! He wants you and both of you are hotttt so its all good.

Well thank you matt. haha okayyy sooooooooo today is a good day except for the fact that i cant hear anything, because of my dumb cold. well ttfn. i have to go research more about some quakers and puratin rebels. woohoo!

Oh and this is the class where I think about Mike Racanelli. because he would be so cute with my history teacher ;)

"Happy" birthday to you?

So my birthday is tomorrow as some of you know...

and its not off to a good start.

My wonderful best friend taylor decided to have everyone over at her house to celebrate my seventeen-ness. But GUESS WHAT... I have to work :/

Well i guess it is my fault that i forgot to write it down on my conflicts sheet... but i forgot it was even my birthday. until a few days ago.

And to make it even better... i work friday and saturday too... So celebration just doesn't exist this year :/

But HEY. I really am not a sad or complainsive (just made up a word) person at all... I just have had a week full of series of unfortunate events. sigh. well. I'm so glad that i have my musical cast to look forward as unconditional love and un-endless laughter :) (See... Brightside =D!)

So Happy Birthday to Me (And Christina)

I hope today will be AWESUM!

Something beautiful for a rainy day

I took this picture today. :) 

I guess when it rains, you have to at least take something from it to create something beautiful.

Miserable at best.

During my computer video/animation class i listen to my ipod the whole time while I work on stuff. And during the last 5 minutes I actually sit there and do nothing but listen. I've noticed that within that last 5 minutes, every time, I always find my new favorite song. I don't know why but for some reason I just feel totally in the music zone. Maybe it's because the room is quiet and the lights are always dimmed. But anyway the point is, is that I really have been "feeling" the music again. It brought me back to 7th grade where it all started. And lately when songs catch my ear... it always happens to seem like I can make a total connection to the lyrics. As if the song found me. Line for line, it can easily be translated into my life. They are the words that i cant roll off of my tongue, but some person out there, feeling the same way, artistically wrote their feelings out in a genius and powerful way. And now i have found the words i have been searching for to explain my feelings. This is why I love music. The perfect harmonies and melodies give me a feeling like no other and I'm just in that whole new world, where i've longed to be.

Today I Listened to the song "Miserable At Best" by Mayday Parade.

It almost made me cry. 

Realizing you "love" your best friend, but then you have to watch them fall for someone else.

Or, The feelings you once had for somebody are coming back. And you've already ruined your chances.

It must be really hard.

Especially when you have to sing that song over and over again, thinking about it each time. 

But what can you do? 

Well... the only thing you can really do is be happy for your friend.

And move on, and learn your lesson...

Such as to maybe take that extra step next time, when you know it's right. 

But still... "The hardest part is letting go."

Nobody move, nobody get hurt.

OH. KAY. I finally got around to making a blog. Finally! I have had so many long nights of just THINKING that now i can write down my thoughts to share with who ever reads this. So dim the lights and get ready for one helluva roller coaster through my mind.