Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas.

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. 
Although i see my family every sunday... 
This particular gathering is special. 
Why? well because its a time that you remember - where you can appreciate what you have. 
Through all the hard times that every family shares, this is a day you remember all of the good times and be thankful that you have a family to share them with. and remember that magic does exist... if you look back on all the young years. If you just believe.  
Everyone is always so into KNOWING THE TRUTH and the reality in EVERYTHING. But just think... was christmas more magical when santa was the biggest thing you looked forward to? So for all you people in this world who just need to know every little thing and wont sit back and relax.... just know, things are much more magical in life if you sit back and relax. and enjoy the show.. :)
A lesson i learned today - If something negative happens... dont go into negative assumptions of WHY. Because you never know. in time - if you just give a positive reaction... you might learn that the happening was never negative in the first place. 


and it might just turn out perfectly. so why bother bad thoughts in the first place?

Monday, December 22, 2008

i love you

oh wait sorry... wrong txt. 

What if something just like that actually happend?


ahah I love my friends. just sitting around talking till 1 am is the best thing in the world. And also watching a terrific 90's movie with spectacular music in it. Teaching the youngings what highschool life is really like, and what to watch out for. it made me realize so much myself on how different highschool is from jr high, or even let alone, college. I'm so glad im with the friends im with today. without them i dont even know what i could make out of myself. 

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


Do boys with guitars and vocal chords like to melt hearts?
And put girls across the globe in heartache pains?


I've hit the day of doubt.
But then i remember
The final glance
And now, i don't even know.
Often times i have come to fall-
for the way your eyes tell a story.
And then i remember
"well... look how successful that turned out to be"

I'm fine with this pace. 

All i want to decide is if I'm just wasting time. 
What is so amazing about this? 
My mind could actually let me sleep if i wanted to. 

And yes- i have had insomnia for the past week. well, haha, kinda. 
- i Have had a really hard time falling asleep. 

Monday, December 15, 2008

awake, alert, alive

I have a dream that keeps me awake, awake. 
I have a dream that keeps me alert, alert.
I have a dream that keeps me alive, alive.

And sometimes, my dreams are so beautiful
That my mind goes on overdrive by the thoughts that are generated. 

An explosion of hearts. 
Heads up, minds open.

Friday, December 12, 2008

... Look Closer

"I'd always heard your entire life flashes before your eyes before you die. 
First of all, that one second isn't a second at all. 
It stretches on forever like an ocean of time. 
For me it was lying on my back at boy scout camp watching falling stars.
And yellow leaves from the maple trees that blind our street. 
Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper
And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new firebird. 
And Janey. (and Janey). 
and Carolyn. 
I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. 
But its hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. 
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and its too much. 
My heart fills up like a balloon thats about to burst. 
... Then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold onto it. 
And then it flows through me like rain, 
and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. 

You have no idea what I'm talking about I'm sure. 

But don't worry. 

you will some day. "
                                                                                                            - American Beauty

I just watched one of the most amazing movies ever made. 
I am actually tearing up. It was so good and it had such a great life lesson. 
Beautifully made and directed and written.... and just everything about it!
When i was told to rent this movie, this is not what i expected. 
And when i started watching it, i felt "This movie is WHACK!" 
and i was uncomfortable watching it because of the twisted story.
But it taught me... I am so lucky for everything i have. And no i don't have a lot...
But i have a great family
And i have happiness and friends that let me be me
I don't need to lie to impress people... or seem impressive. 
And i am just so glad that i enjoy the beauty of life. 
After watching this movie i think i'll start to see the world in different ways. 

       what a beautiful thing. 

Watch this movie- and then discuss it with me. I don't want to spoil anything but man oh man i want to discuss this movie with someoneeeee! 

Thursday, December 11, 2008


It hurts. i feel like i could be penny lane one day. 

But it hurts to know its all in game that can be played in fame. 
"I've fallen in love with the wrong person" the young girl says.
"But he inspires me out of all truth that this world can offer". 
Look away, and just remember what you've felt. 
The only thing to keep things good-
Is to walk away before they get bad. 
His words will inspire the world
You don't inspire his words
The world don't inspire you
You do not inspire the world.
"So what am i? a broken record swept away?"
You are the BAND-AID they call it. 
You give the love you feel for them 
Which helps them climb to the top.
There was no garuntee in your position
Nothing but good memories of past times
There was no garuntee in your position
That you were to be remembered and brought along. 
It's the friends along the way
And the world you would have never seen
And the life lessons you can only catch here- 
The place and feeling, we like to call home

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Living the unrealistic free life?

Almost Famous has to be one of my favorite movies. Like, in the top 10. It totally explains the way i just dream my life to be. On the road with friends, singing songs to pass time by, expressing your feelings through music and art, and not having too many responsibilities. But then people say this act is not "the real world". So i wonder, if your in this world thats not "Real"... then what is it? A "fake" world? because time is passing by and we are all alive breathing the same air, so what makes this unrealistic? Every day i imagine what a life would be like, maybe living like Penny Lane, or even a character like Huckleberry Finn... No responsibilities, doing what i want, enjoying life through nature and friends. - - 
"I got out amongst the driftwood, and then laid down in the bottom of the canoe and let her float. I laid there, and had a good rest and a smoke out of my pipe, looking away into the sky; not a cloud in it. The sky looks ever so deep when you lay down on your back in the moonshine; i never knowed it before. And how far a body can hear on the water such nights!"
- Huckleberry Finn
The reason why i wrote this quote down, was because i think of this describes perfection. Sitting there in silence looking at the sky listening to the world around you. Times like these are so rare for the common person, and the way this is described puts me in that place. If anyone was to ever ask me "What's your favorite piece of artwork?" I would say the sky. I find the sky the most interesting thing to look at, because it constantly changes, and it never ends. Sometimes the shapes in either the clouds or the stars can answer your questions, and the different colors of the sky helps your imagination of the possibilities in life. - - I don't want to be held down anymore. I just want to live free surrounded in the things that i love. 

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Well, it's good to know at least 2 people read my blog. =]. 

why am i so behind on passion? 
In many ways i can find myself staring at a ceiling 
not feeling anything but the light hitting my pupils. 
I breathe only because they tell me i have to. 
I walk because its where i have to go. 
I stand there not really giving effort
because i don't need to. 
... Well explain to me
Why i had a sudden break through?
Stepping out to run about 
It wasn't like me at this time of day. 
No one was watching, but i did something for me.
if it weren't for rules and regulations
I would be staring at a ceiling the majority of my days. 
But for some reason, i had that extra step that made me want to catch you
To catch you and smile. To feel something new. 
Do i need that new feeling? no. 
Do i rely on that new feeling? no. 
Do i want that new feeling? ... sure
..... Lack of passion.
Is it a disease? Because it scares me sometimes
Wondering if i will end up being okay
Or just regretting. 
Regretting the air i have never breathed
Regretting the ground i have never set a foot
Regretting the way staring at lights
has done nothing but make me blind. 
Blind to see that if i want to
i can. 
But... the question is, DO i want to?
... Lack of passion.
Theres only a few things i've found passion for
But for some reason lately
I have been preparing myself for nothing 
because i feel like its too late. 
But its never too late. 
i just want to sleep. 
. . . l a c k  o f  p a s s i o n 

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The way i take a silent answer.

[So i sorta hate it when you really just need a voice to be your helping hand in a situation that you cant figure out yourself, but then anyone that you trust talking to about it has better things to do and not enough energy to help you out, which is whatever, no biggie.... but the fact; that if thats the case, where you can't find another voice, you go and do something totally stupid that you regret... and you just wish there could be at least someone who cared enough at that very moment where the stupid act you did would have never happened.]

Confession: i did something stupid. and now i have to dig myself out of this hole.
I have a problem with directly hurting peoples feelings. 
- - is that a good or bad thing?

But the thing is- is that I Don't know what I want. At one moment I want this, but the very next i want that.
And a very good point was brought up that "you don't need what you want" so why not just go with not having anything at all and not having to deal with this mess?.... well I guess the reason for that is cause I need to make my first messed up choice for once. I need to get it over with. my whole life I've always been so focused on skipping that step. But i guess you really need to take every single step to get to the top. 

Do i not make any sense? 
well if not.. good. I don't want you getting inside my head. there are only moments where i will allow people to get inside my head, so if you pass that up, you pass up a very rare moment. I want you to WONDER what's going on inside my head. 
Make something up- thats what imaginations are for.

Well anyway by the by, i have been having trouble sleeping due to this. Doesn't that just sound so stupid? but its true. thats why I'm up at 1:24 am typing this blog. 

Confession: I cant hold back and its starting to scare me. People don't believe me and tell me either "it's all in your head" or "you just want to be like him" ... but really... it's not. I started to scare myself when i found i could not stop. i couldn't hold back. It's like there was no wall to holding it inside my mind. Each little nerve i possibly have was shouting "do it! just let it go and you'll feel better"... well i do admit it does make me feel so much better afterwards. but the problem is that i cant stop after that. i keep doing it again and again. And i am embarrassed. Even when i am alone. i am embarrassed. - - They refuse to let me know the truth, and i think thats what makes it harder. 

Who even reads this anyway? if you do. reply, cause I'm actually kind of curious. 

Monday, December 1, 2008


For a full week of broken hearts. 
me you and everyone we know
Throw off the rocks that settle on your back
And end the things that drag us on and on
Into a never ending road. 

Just got off a great phone call that figured out everything thats good for me right now. 
... I am too nice and am too afraid to  hurt peoples feelings for what's best for me. 
So tomorrow over coffee and a long drive
I'll finally do the things i need to do. 
Wish for my confidence?

Snow Snow Snow
I can't believe there's snow!
BAD: My sister got in a car accident this morning (but she's okay!)
GOOD: I got to go sledding! it was very fun... and drink hot chocolate. 

& Watched IRON MAN finally, with matt and max.  
(So much temptation.)

Interesting story: someone on my bus had a seizure today. But then she said "oh don't worry about it, its normal... it happens all the time" and then i thought to myself, "Normal?". Im guessing she has epilepsy. How lucky i am to not have to worry about the hardships of life to that extent. And then i heard her say something else that was interesting. Someone asked her a question and she answered. "Well first i was looking at the spirit of my body" and i couldn't hear the rest she was saying. - This comes to the point - - I have been thinking about death and stuff lately (because in american studies we talk about it) and i am so positive there IS something after you die. It has something to do with energy, and your spirit. hmm. things like these make me go into deep thought.