Sunday, December 7, 2008

The way i take a silent answer.

[So i sorta hate it when you really just need a voice to be your helping hand in a situation that you cant figure out yourself, but then anyone that you trust talking to about it has better things to do and not enough energy to help you out, which is whatever, no biggie.... but the fact; that if thats the case, where you can't find another voice, you go and do something totally stupid that you regret... and you just wish there could be at least someone who cared enough at that very moment where the stupid act you did would have never happened.]

Confession: i did something stupid. and now i have to dig myself out of this hole.
I have a problem with directly hurting peoples feelings. 
- - is that a good or bad thing?

But the thing is- is that I Don't know what I want. At one moment I want this, but the very next i want that.
And a very good point was brought up that "you don't need what you want" so why not just go with not having anything at all and not having to deal with this mess?.... well I guess the reason for that is cause I need to make my first messed up choice for once. I need to get it over with. my whole life I've always been so focused on skipping that step. But i guess you really need to take every single step to get to the top. 

Do i not make any sense? 
well if not.. good. I don't want you getting inside my head. there are only moments where i will allow people to get inside my head, so if you pass that up, you pass up a very rare moment. I want you to WONDER what's going on inside my head. 
Make something up- thats what imaginations are for.

Well anyway by the by, i have been having trouble sleeping due to this. Doesn't that just sound so stupid? but its true. thats why I'm up at 1:24 am typing this blog. 

Confession: I cant hold back and its starting to scare me. People don't believe me and tell me either "it's all in your head" or "you just want to be like him" ... but really... it's not. I started to scare myself when i found i could not stop. i couldn't hold back. It's like there was no wall to holding it inside my mind. Each little nerve i possibly have was shouting "do it! just let it go and you'll feel better"... well i do admit it does make me feel so much better afterwards. but the problem is that i cant stop after that. i keep doing it again and again. And i am embarrassed. Even when i am alone. i am embarrassed. - - They refuse to let me know the truth, and i think thats what makes it harder. 

Who even reads this anyway? if you do. reply, cause I'm actually kind of curious.